Actor Crush of the Day: Pierce Brosnan . . . YUMMMMM . . .
Sounds like he's made of chocolate, lol.
Hrm, that might not be so bad. Teehee!
This last week has been about trying to just get past each nerve-wracking thing after another.
I was SO freaked about Emily's birthday, this last week. If I have energy/motivation/focus, I'll post about a very nice accomplishment/victory I had in that arena that I've tried to approach the last couple years and kept failing at due to fear, among other stuff about it.
One. Hurdle. At. A. Time. Mind if I brainstorm a little, and lay it out, here? Any paper I chose to write on would get lost in the almost no carpet visible mess that is my living room and bedroom, currently.
1. Figure out how to get Effexor XR this week, by calling docs' offices for samples. My bishop is out of town almost all week, so I won't be able to access it that way. I should be able to get enough samples until I have the money for the $72.00 co-pay.
2. Straighten up the living room in short, 5 minute spurts throughout the day, spontaneously as I think about it. No guilt, no pressure. Well, with my new visiting teacher, the First Counselor in the bishopbric's wife, coming at 4:00pm, there is a little bit of pressure, but there's also alot of time.
3. DD has the day off school; rubber stamp with her as I've been promising to do (she rec'd a couple of Cinderalla stamps and papers in a kit, for her birthday), and make pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, again as I've been promising to do with her. Added benefit of the YUMMY cookies, besides knowing that I'm doing what Emily says is her favorite thing: baking cookies with ME. Guilt tho of almost never doing it (shuddup guilt, I'm firing you for the day.)
4. Relax and surf and participate in the rubber stamping and/or beading forums I like to online. Especially since I recently posted some rubber stamped cards on one forum, and have been and possibly will receive more kind comments; this motivates me to create more, and is a nice boost to the self-esteem. Is that pathetic, to do it for kind comments? It gets me DOING, and CREATING, and involved in one of my hobbies that I'm only just getting back into after not being able to function or want to hobby for years in a row, on that. Ok, self-critical voice, shuddup too. You're FIRED. For the day, anyway. no guilt, no self-critical. If it gets me creating, it's all good (well, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody).
5. Make sure I EAT something during the day instead of nothing all day.
6. Do SOME thinking about the hearing Tuesday morning, and the last ten years of my life and my faults, flaws, dysfunctions, and incapacities. This seems . . . terrible, and counter-productive towards managing my instabilities; ie, it seems completely focused on tearing myself down. But . . . it's what is needed for the hearing. People tend to overstate their capacity/capacities . . . I find myself saying, well, but I DO do this . . . but really, i am discovering, it's not that much; it is so hard and painful to strip away the defenses that have kept and keep me from seeing how . . . dysfunctional I am, how . . . unfunctional and . . . everything. I need to strip away most of the masking defenses and SEE my apathy, and, well, my patheticness . . .
Obviously I'll be turning to my husband, but he'll be at work from 9 to 5, and probably take awhile to get home. I am facing the worst thing I can think of right now that doesn't involve injury or death to people. I am so so so scared. Please be patient with me as I go on and on and seem so self-centered in what I talk about . . . I am AFRAID to dig into this stuff so rawly, intensely, so MUCH of it all at once, really (therapy and what I do during the week can be taken in smaller bits). Please leave me multiple messages throughout the day and week, if you like, or whatever. I am . . . I am going to face this, I am . . . I just . . . this is so hard, and tears are filling my eyes and rolling hotly down my cheeks as I type right now. so hard . . . . I know, I'm going on and on.
Let's see . . . another good thing would be to get outside for at least 10-15 minutes, into the sunshine tomorrow. I neglect that so much, but it does wonders for me.
Pray, A LOT! But I do that already, but it's good.
iamsoscared
8 comments:
I'm just sobbing and sobbing now. If anyone is up to chat . . . .
I'm sorry you are going through this; and that I missed your call last night. Daylight Savings has messed the whole family up-- we were in bed last night before 10. I'm sorry I didn't get up and get the phone when I heard it.
YOU ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS! YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH!!
Sara - Stop to take 5 deep slow breaths...Ahhh, OK - Now make a short list of 5 people to say a short prayer for.....and then go do one thing on your top 5 "to do" list....Am praying for you. AnnetteMay from CP
Sara, it sounds like a very balanced list there. I like the yummy cookie and rubber stamping part. It is interesting that you noted how you need to remind yourself to eat something. Someone that I know who has bipolar says that she can only eat foods that she craves and if she doesn't get them that she just won't eat for the most part. I do not know if it is related to bipolar or not. Do you have to crave something to be able to eat it as well.
I just looked to your message on the right side. Hugs to you, my friend. This hearing stuff will soon be in the past. You just gotta think of how great it will be to have it over with.
I have a friend who has problems with authority and also if there is more than a certain number of people in a room. When she was going against her ex for custody, she acted as her own lawyer and put her daughter on the stand. Think on the plus side, you have a lawyer.
Guess what . . . I did NONE of the above. Figures. That's typical.
Yeah, if it's not something that sounds good to me, then I can't really make myself get up and do it; I have a hard enough time motivating myself to fix food even when it does sound good, to do it when there's nothing in the house I want to eat.
hey Sara, I'm looking at your chat box ..wondering if your time was 12:20 EST or CST ...
you there?
I'm up ... my IM is pearlsofaneagle on AIM and my email is Pearlsofaneagle@aol.com ....
yahoo IM is pearlsanddreams ...
you ok?
I hope you at least got the ate something done?
Sara
hope your day is better today. I am thinking of you always. Take one step at a time today. If you can get one thing on your list done toady than it is a good day!
Sending you love and prayers. Keep us informed on how you are doing.
Sara, you know beating yourself up only makes you feel bad. From what you shared in the past, beating yourself up does not help you reach your goals.
People could sure judge me if they saw my room. I won't reinforce all my ocd problems that relate to the present state of chaos.
My mom is having a lot of trouble with her knees and I feel terrible that my ocd serves as a barrier to my helping her. It is so hard when I am so able bodied and only emotionally paralyzed. I tell myself this is stupid and I should just do it. Yet, I am so held back as some of these things I have not done in years. I remember how painful it was when I did. I am thinking about maybe hiring a student studying Occupational Therapy who maybe could help me gain indepence. My mom has to give me the go ahead though as well as my dad. I think it is best. Learning disabilities, years of psychological abuse being told that how I do things is wrong amidst terrible rages by the person teaching me, a few remarks by people I lived with who called attention to how I do not do domestic things correctly, a loss of the minimal skills that I once had due to ocd, and maybe even degeneration. It is hard to know how much is real impairment and how much is low self-esteem. I also have organizational problems. I think I have attention deficit disorder to boot. Some may say that these are all excuses.
You know my feelings about service to others from my blog post that was lost when the site crashed. If what something does or says is not constructive in helping the other person achieve goals, then they should refrain from speaking or offering opinions. It is easy for somebody to put me down and say that a person just should not live like that. What good does that do me? Does it teach me how to do anything? Does it make me more independent?
Either help a person or don't help a person, but don't put them down or talk about them in a negative light. As our friend James, you, and myself have indicated, there are often huge factors that result in situations. It is great that some people are able to keep a nice house. But they should not judge those who are not able to do likewise. It is not that I am lazy either. I can walk miles. I can do yardwork at times that takes energy including moving a wheelbarrow. My ocd effects me there but I know I am going to take a bath so that helps. I don't do it that often though as I don't like to get dirty. But I do spend hours sometimes in projects outside. Also, I scrub the bath tub. I was banned from that for a while due to the fact that I was too harsh after spending all day doing it. But I was allowed to do it again this week and I think I did a good job and was not abrasive. I probably would have spent longer if I had more paper towels.
Oh, there is beautiful classical music that my mom turned on in the background. My mind is moving to a higher plane.
There are those who just don't understand. I can't waste my energy worrying about them. If I can enlighten them in a manner that is respectful to them, then I may take the opportunity. Some people, however, may not have the ability to wrap their mind around such things as they have more of a "just do it, don't think about it frame of mind." But a person educated in depression, ocd, bipolar knows that things are not so simple.
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