For some reason, weekends are really difficult for me. Perhaps it's just that my cycling tends to coincide with the weekends, or is even perhaps triggered by them. Various events, people, things, emotions, or just about anything, can trigger a manic or downward swing. They often happen without triggers as well. For example, one of my triggers is being around critical people. People who seem to be always judging me or always have some way of putting me down, ready as a response to anything I say, without even having to think about it. Apparently, most bipolar people cannot handle or deal with critical/judgemental people very well at all.
I feel so alone. So crushingly, desperately isolated. You know that saying, "No man is an island."? Well, in my case I feel like Rapa Nui, Easter Island, the place that is the furthest-most point from any other piece of land on Earth. And no one knows or cares that I am here. If the person who said no man is an island, couldn't SEE that island, because it was so isolated, then his phrase is meaningless. I am an island, and I am that most isolated island of islands. This is a piece of how it feels, to be entering the darkness that is my life, and my illness.
Even if someone tells me they care, if I don't receive repeated reassurances as time goes on that they do, it fades away. It isn't that I don't believe them, but the thought patterns that go along with these things I am trying to endure, tend to swallow them and overwhelm any caring I receive, if it goes away and doesn't return.
My illness is not my life, but it feels as though my life is my illness(es), because they affect everything I do and think. They blanket and swallow everything, it feels like. It is difficult to know who you are, when your feelings are swayed so far, or even caused by, an illness or three.
I do, from time to time, make use of a Crisis Hotline up here in Davis County. Rest assured that I will continue to do so, as I feel necessary, when feeling so battered by the storm that is my soul, or rather, the storm that FEELS like my soul but is actually these illnesses and all the damage they have caused me over the years, that I do not know how I can continue.
Still, it hurts so badly that I feel like I only have strangers for emotional support. I only have strangers for some brief kind of wierd "friendship" whilst I am connected to them emotionally over the phone, during whatever pain I am enduring. "Strangers" being the professionals on the Crisis Hotline, and the psychologist and psychiatrist that I see. I understand that professional help has its place, and that there are things that are just too heavy or critical for family or friends to deal with. And I regret that I have, in the last week, discussed one of those heavy things that I do with both Becky and my MIL, and I will attempt to keep any reoccurrences of such things to the psychologist and hotline, as it is too much of a burden to impose on them.
But those aside, I go through so much pain, and feel so desperately alone, and knowing that I have no one to turn to, no one who looks forward to seeing me, or is excited to come visit me or be with me, aside from my husband, sends me into the really dark desperateness and soul-wrenching despair that is unfathomably difficult to describe. The depth of pain, horror, abandonment, rejection, isolation, self-loathing, hopelessness, and other things that I drown beneath is beyond anything I can describe.
To know that I behave in ways that I know are annoying, needy, lonely, pathetic, at times hyper, overtalkative, overly silly and goofy, and other things, and that I cannot turn it off no matter how hard I have tried for 30 years, and that people judge me for these things even though I cannot help it, as they are aspects of the illnesses I have, and that they don't want me or want to hear me or want to be with me because of them, is just so overwhelmingly, excruiciatingly crushing that I have extreme difficulty bearing up beneath this burden. This burden of being myself, and how unacceptable that is.
I hope, by expressing these thoughts and feelings, that I have opened up a window into my struggles and illnesses and experiences, that will perhaps bring you towards a little bit more of an understanding of the mentally ill, and maybe, for those who know me, towards a little bit more of an understanding and acceptance of me and my bipolarness and anxiety disorders.
I will see you tomorrow, and thank you for listening.
7 comments:
Oh my gosh! Sweetie . . . that is one of the most awesome, most helpful, most understanding, supportive, sympathetic, and loving things you have ever said to me.
You are the awesomest husband I could ever have, you know that? Thank you so much for your love and everything you are to me that there are no words for.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm not sure what else to say, because I can't even imagine what you are going through. I'm sorry you feel like this. Please don't do anything, okay?
I wish you could have come to the park today with the family. Maybe you wouldn't have felt so alone. (But I understand the gas issues; and probably Scott had to work[?])
Thank you Beck. I appreciate it. What I need to hear and feel and know is that people are thinking about me, and care about me.
That they will be patient with me when I'm so irritable that I can't rein it all in, or other huge waves of moods that I can't keep entirely from coming out.
That they love me despite my flaws, and accept me for who I am. That they enjoy or like something about me, if they do.
That they are sympathetic and understanding that I am in pain, or whatever, and will be there for me and not abandon me.
You don't need to DO anything, (although if you wanted to be a friend and a support for me, that would be great), especially when I let all these feelings out like I did today, but loving concern and support and love and kindness and friendliness and just listening sometimes and reflecting back to me what you hear, that I am going through, is something effective to help me know that someone hears what I am going through, and because they hear it I am then not so alone anymore.
Knowing that I mean something to someone else, that I am a part of their life, is helpful to me.
Knowing they care, helps me feel more connected. A phone call every now and then, an email, a card in the mail, or whatever, and it doesn't have to be all about my illnesses, I can talk about other things too, as you've seen with some of my other posts.
Sorry to be going on so much! I am trying to give some feedback as you aren't quite sure what to say.
Sometimes I just need a sounding board, and/or just to feel that I am being HEARD. The psychologist and I have figured out together that one of my core issues is feeling like no one has ever heard me, really heard me, or wanted to, my entire life. That was a breakthrough moment for me, in therapy. Extremely painful and difficult, but in the end a productive discovery. I can't emphasize enough how deep the issue is with me, but do not take that as an obligation for you to do anything.
Do what feels right to you, and feel free to ask if you'd like more input or ideas of what might be helpful. I may volunteer some as time goes on, as we continue to interact over the years.
Take any ideas that feel helpful to you, but don't do anything just because I've suggested it.
Just listed some things to maybe point out the kinds of things that have been helpful, and maybe you and others will think of other things.
This goes for any friends or family who are reading, as well.
As if I hadn't just posted enough, on another note, depending on my emotional and mental state at the time, I may not be up to coping with being around extended family. I am having so many anxiety and even social phobia issues going on right now, in addition to other things, that being there today would have not been good for me.
No offense meant to any extended family, but some days I just am not able to cope with anyone other than immediate family and close friends.
The following is taken from the DBSA website. Please take especial note of the 2nd paragraph.
Helping a Friend
One of the most important thing family and friends can do for a person with bipolar disorder is learn about the illness. Often people who are depressed or experiencing mania or mood swings do not recognize the symptoms in themselves. If you are concerned about a friend or family member, help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve helping the person to find a doctor or therapist and make their first appointment. You may also want to offer go with the person to their first appointment for support. Encourage the individual to stay with treatment. Keep reassuring the person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.
It is also important to offer emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the person in conversation and listen carefully. Resist the urge to function as a therapist or try to come up with answers to the person’s concerns. Often times we just want someone to listen. Do not put down feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your first invitation is refused.
It is often a good idea for the person with bipolar disorder to develop a plan should he or she experience severe manic or depressive symptoms. Such a plan might include contacting the person’s doctor, taking control of credit cards and car keys or increasing contact with the person until the severe episode has passed. Your plan should be shared with a trusted family member and/or friend. Keep in mind, however, that people with bipolar disorder, like all people, have good and bad days. Being in a bad mood one day is not necessarily a sign of an upcoming severe episode.
Never ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the person's therapist. Do not promise confidentiality if you believe someone is close to suicide. If you think immediate self-harm is possible, contact their doctor or dial 911 immediately. Make sure the person discusses these feelings with his or her doctor. (top)
Hello.
I noticed you're a bipolar person from Davis County and you're currently seeing Dr. Mower.
We have a lot in common.
Sounds like we do.
Do you want to email me?
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