Embrace Your Inner Gonzo!

Actor Crush of the Day: Elvis Presley, the moderately young years (pre-spangled jumpsuit) Strawberry Recipe Subcategory of the Day: Beverages & Soups

Today's Actor of the Day is in honor of the anniversary of Elvis Presley's death.

Today's appointment with Dr. Mower went well, I think. I am a bit mortified about one interaction we had, but other than that I felt I was able to articulate well and freely without (much) fear, some difficult things. Due to some of the things I was going to talk about, I sensed early in the appointment that my anxiety cycle was winding upwards exponentially and quickly, so I took a small dose of Xanax to interrupt the cycle.

I felt kind of shaky, upon arriving home after the appointment. Sometimes, I'm discovering, as therapy goes on, I have physical reactions to the emotional work I am doing, or the type of things I am discussing, or the depth of emotion and thoughts that I am revealing. It's a bit disconcerting, to have physical reactions for what seems like no reason at all, but I'm trying to take it in stride, listen to my body and respond however it needs, and just relax and not worry about it too much.

And so, I spent some time today just resting in bed, as I frequently do. I later recovered from my shakiness and felt a bit recharged, although as the evening wears on, I feel perhaps that my mood is elevating somewhat too far, for no particular reason. So, beware my sense of humor and incipient silliness, because mania tends to bring those out. Particularly the lower manias.

Actually, the reason may be, that I am so pleased with myself, and proud of the things I accomplished, therapy-wise, and emotionally, in the last week, that that may be the trigger for my rise in mood. It's a valid reason to be happy, and there is nothing wrong with it. But, whereas non-mentally ill people have, say, a string attached to their "balloon" of happiness, and it thus naturally comes to rest at an appropriate level, my string either stretches too far, or is too long, or even is non-existent at times, and thus my "balloon" soars to exuberant and giddy levels.

What I feel like, at this very moment, is proclaiming to the world that, "It is time to embrace your inner Gonzo!" (Elevated moods also produce more impulsivity than usual, although I am impulsive even when not elevated.) Silly, I know. Now, the psychologist told me, that you cannot hate yourself into health, and that I need to learn to accept myself. I am working on it, and making some progress, but these moods I get in where I accept everything about myself with no question in an ecstatic, over-enthused way, are not the more permanent, stable, healthy way of self-acceptance that he is talking about. It is pretty much the ebullience of mania that drives this intense coloring of my world in emotional hues of vivid brightness, blocking from view the realities that lie beneath.

Picture, if you will, a section of town that has fallen into a state of decay and disrepair. Picture also, that it is starting to be invested in, and worked on; renewed, and cared about by the community and neighbors around it, and the residents within. So you begin to see repairs made, the riddance of discarded items from yards and alleys, and the slow and scattered return of strips of flowers beside the front walk to someone's door, or flowerboxes along the front sills of freshly-curtained windows. There is still decay and disrepair, and dangerous elements present, but there is hope, and change in the wind.

A nice and hopeful picture, is it not? This is how I am feeling after 2 months of therapy.

Now, along comes the community director, who has free reign to do or change whatever he likes to the place. He decides that it would be nice if everything was painted bright purple, with lemon yellow polka dots, and that there will be a constant parade, and free Krispy Kreme doughnuts for all.

Now, the neighborhood looks and feels much different, and the whole world looks and feels much different, but nothing has, in actuality, changed at all. It has no meaning, and no depth to it, but it carries you along on the enthusiasm and passion of the community director's vision, and of course the sugar high from all those free Krispy Kreme doughnuts . . . .

This is by no means a perfect analogy, but it does, in some aspects, describe what it can be like at some times, in some types of my elevated moods. Course, I don't actually GET free Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and that is the sad part of this tale . . . .

If I could have any Krispy Kreme right now, it would be the Cream (or is it Kreme) filled ones. It isn't vanilla flavored, but rather it is like an airy-puffy, but not marshmallowy, white, delectable, not too dense, sweet but not too sweet, center of an equally delicious pillow-ily (yup, I make up words) textured and delightfully filled doughnut.

Still, the urge to embrace my inner Gonzo is not a bad one, just because it springs from an exuberant mood. And, in fact, it may bring me a bit of a giggle, during those lower times, to remember this ringing motto. At least, it's currently resounding through my soul like the pealing of a city's worth of bells on New Year's Eve.

If any of you are still with me, at this point, I salute you, and would propose a toast to your patience (and hopefully expanded understanding of my current mania) with a Kreme-Filled Krispy Kreme doughnut, if only I had one.