Partly relieved, but mostly peeved and nervous and discouraged.
It is 5:40, so office hours are pretty much over . . . .
I will call her tomorrow morning. If I can't get through, I am not sure whether I should write her a letter, or leave the Governor a phone message . . . maybe I could email him, if there's something set up for that. Part of me feels that that last option would have the best chance of getting through to him, because whatever office person screens the email from the public to him, would possibly think, "Oh! She talked to him on the radio, and can't get a response from the person he told her to call . . . I'd better let him know." See, I figure he'd want to know, at least, from the way he was with me, it seemed like he would . . .
I think, rather than write to Ms. Church, if she doesn't call back tomorrow, after I call her and/or leave a message, I'll call or email the Governor on Wednesday.
It isn't that my issue is such a pressing issue, but now it's more about the process and following through; not letting the bureacracy discourage me or keep me from being heard. It's important to push through this process, I think, even if I'm thinking my issue isn't all THAT, because to let the process defeat me would be . . . a defeat.
So, onward, I guess. And possibly upward . . . lol!!
Monday, June 26, 2006
Just a little nervous . . .
Little = ALOT!
But, kinda cool knowing I did/am doing this. I dunno if I'll be a good advocate, but letting people know who are in authority in this state, that access to services has gone downhill, is the first, most alarming thing I think I could relate, and then ask em, so whatcha gonna do about it?
Er, not in that confrontational of a manner, of course, but I AM hoping to push for them to do something about it. At the very least, to raise the awareness of this sort of thing, because the squeaky wheel gets the grease . . . . when it comes to the state budget, and the seemingly constant cuts in mental health care funding, it'd be at least a step of progress if they didn't CUT anything, lol! Not that I have any delusions of grandeur that my action, here, will affect this huge issue much, in any of the ways I just mentioned, but HEY maybe it'll get it on someone's radar . . . .
Gonna sleep, and hope hope I do ok tomorrow and don't freeze (although, I could use a bit of colder weather . . . .)
But, kinda cool knowing I did/am doing this. I dunno if I'll be a good advocate, but letting people know who are in authority in this state, that access to services has gone downhill, is the first, most alarming thing I think I could relate, and then ask em, so whatcha gonna do about it?
Er, not in that confrontational of a manner, of course, but I AM hoping to push for them to do something about it. At the very least, to raise the awareness of this sort of thing, because the squeaky wheel gets the grease . . . . when it comes to the state budget, and the seemingly constant cuts in mental health care funding, it'd be at least a step of progress if they didn't CUT anything, lol! Not that I have any delusions of grandeur that my action, here, will affect this huge issue much, in any of the ways I just mentioned, but HEY maybe it'll get it on someone's radar . . . .
Gonna sleep, and hope hope I do ok tomorrow and don't freeze (although, I could use a bit of colder weather . . . .)
Friday, June 23, 2006
Guess we'll see on Monday!
Okay, I just screwed my courage to the sticking place, again, and called back.
I got the same lady on the phone . . . I had thought about altering my voice a little, as I was so scared she'd recognize me and treat me the same way.
Anyway, I just asked point blank, "May I speak with Ms. Church?", and she replied that Ms. Church was, I think, speaking at some function or out at something or other, I forget, but something official, and that she'd be back Monday.
I then asked to leave a message for her, and she said okay, so I left my name and phone number, and she asked of Ms. Church would know what my call was regarding. This gave me pause, because I didn't want to get into the whole beaurocratic rigamarole again, so I came up with saying no, but that it was okay. She then asked me if Ms. Church's assistant could help me (I'm assuming she was referring either to the second-in-command, the deputy director maybe? or one of the division heads again . . .), but I said no, thank you. She then said something in the middle of this again about Ms. Church not knowing what it was about? I replied with, the Governor sent me, and she seemed to accept that, without liking it.
Yippee, I am proud of myself! I thought through what I would say, at least as far as I could, and got courageous again. I was ALSO rather assertive, even though I was scared. AND I thought on my feet (okay, I was sitting, so I thought on my bum), when we were a little into the conversation and past how far I had been able to think it through . . . . and I didn't CAVE!
So, she said she'd call me back Monday. I hope I don't get shoved around to a division head again. I'm sure they are very capable people, but the Governor REALLY wanted me to talk to Ms. Church. If I do get shuffled, I will politely decline and say that I will leave a message with the Governor's office about helping me get in contact with Ms. Church.
I'm not trying to be difficult, and I know my fears are interfering with me being willing to talk to other people on this, but in this case, I am thinking that may be a GOOD thing. The Governor knows these departments, and wanted me to go straight to the top (I just checked, she IS the head of the Department of Human Services for Utah.) He was very kindly emphatic about that. So, I am also wondering if the other people would just "listen" and then just "forget" about it after I talk with them. Maybe not, but, especially considering my fears, I'd rather do this just once.
So yay for me and my courage. I feel like Don Quixote, with my lance at the ready, except I'm not tilting at windmills . . . . I'm pushing for some action and stuff on the issues at hand.
After reading the purpose of the Dept. of Human Services, and specifically going to the Mental Health page, and who receives priority treatment, it seems as though I should have been one to receive priority for treatment. Except that tricky funding issue . . . .
Anyway, I sort of look forward to talking with Lisa on Monday. I am rather terrified, though. I hope SHE doesn't try to fob me off, but I'll reiterate the Governor's desire for me to speak with her. I hope she's open to listening, as he wanted me to repeat to her EXACTLY what I told him. That's exactly how he put it.
Anyway, more news to report to y'all on Monday, I hope!
I got the same lady on the phone . . . I had thought about altering my voice a little, as I was so scared she'd recognize me and treat me the same way.
Anyway, I just asked point blank, "May I speak with Ms. Church?", and she replied that Ms. Church was, I think, speaking at some function or out at something or other, I forget, but something official, and that she'd be back Monday.
I then asked to leave a message for her, and she said okay, so I left my name and phone number, and she asked of Ms. Church would know what my call was regarding. This gave me pause, because I didn't want to get into the whole beaurocratic rigamarole again, so I came up with saying no, but that it was okay. She then asked me if Ms. Church's assistant could help me (I'm assuming she was referring either to the second-in-command, the deputy director maybe? or one of the division heads again . . .), but I said no, thank you. She then said something in the middle of this again about Ms. Church not knowing what it was about? I replied with, the Governor sent me, and she seemed to accept that, without liking it.
Yippee, I am proud of myself! I thought through what I would say, at least as far as I could, and got courageous again. I was ALSO rather assertive, even though I was scared. AND I thought on my feet (okay, I was sitting, so I thought on my bum), when we were a little into the conversation and past how far I had been able to think it through . . . . and I didn't CAVE!
So, she said she'd call me back Monday. I hope I don't get shoved around to a division head again. I'm sure they are very capable people, but the Governor REALLY wanted me to talk to Ms. Church. If I do get shuffled, I will politely decline and say that I will leave a message with the Governor's office about helping me get in contact with Ms. Church.
I'm not trying to be difficult, and I know my fears are interfering with me being willing to talk to other people on this, but in this case, I am thinking that may be a GOOD thing. The Governor knows these departments, and wanted me to go straight to the top (I just checked, she IS the head of the Department of Human Services for Utah.) He was very kindly emphatic about that. So, I am also wondering if the other people would just "listen" and then just "forget" about it after I talk with them. Maybe not, but, especially considering my fears, I'd rather do this just once.
So yay for me and my courage. I feel like Don Quixote, with my lance at the ready, except I'm not tilting at windmills . . . . I'm pushing for some action and stuff on the issues at hand.
After reading the purpose of the Dept. of Human Services, and specifically going to the Mental Health page, and who receives priority treatment, it seems as though I should have been one to receive priority for treatment. Except that tricky funding issue . . . .
Anyway, I sort of look forward to talking with Lisa on Monday. I am rather terrified, though. I hope SHE doesn't try to fob me off, but I'll reiterate the Governor's desire for me to speak with her. I hope she's open to listening, as he wanted me to repeat to her EXACTLY what I told him. That's exactly how he put it.
Anyway, more news to report to y'all on Monday, I hope!
Update on the Radio Conversation with the Governor
Well, I called the phone number Governor Huntsman gave me.
The lady there asked me what it was concerning. I asked if she was Lisa, and she said no. And yet, she didn't give me her name? Anyway, side issue.
I told her Mental Health care, and she said, "Mental Health and Substance Abuse?" And I said, yeah, even though it had nothing to do with Substance Abuse, but I suppose that's probably a department title.
I said the Governor told me to talk to Lisa Michelle Church, but she said, "Have you had a chance to talk to our division head for this category", so and so? I can't remember the name. I said no . . . she said she'd transfer me there, and then also gave me the name of someone else to talk to.
While she was transferring me, I hung up just now. I was told to talk to a certain person by Governor Huntsman, and they are beaurocratically shuffling me around??? I got the sense from her that how dare I be presumptious (sp?) to want to bother Ms/Mrs? Church . . . maybe not so much of a, how dare you, but a DEFINITE sense that I was reaching far out of my place and appropriateness and level, in wanting to talk to her. I TOLD her the Governor said to talk to her!!!
I think she is the HEAD of the Dept. of Human Services for the State of Utah, I'll have to look that up. I think that I just had too much fear to talk to some people other than whom the Governor definitely wanted me to DIRECTLY talk to. He really was kindly emphatic about his desire that I get in touch with Lisa.
I think I made a mistake when I called, in saying what issues it was about. I think I'll call back in a bit, or tomorrow, and just emphatically request to speak with Lisa Church, and not say what it's regarding, or that I'm the same person this lady/screener/secretary? just dealt with.
Seriously, I got the beaurocratic shuffle coming across BIG time in this call, just now. And I think the Governor wanted to help me cut through that. If worse comes to worse, I'll say, hey, Governor Huntsman was emphatic that I speak with Lisa . . . he wanted me to tell HER exactly what I told HIM.
I guess we'll see how I do. I'll keep you updated (as if you are interested in what happens w/lil ole me, anyway . . . .)
The lady there asked me what it was concerning. I asked if she was Lisa, and she said no. And yet, she didn't give me her name? Anyway, side issue.
I told her Mental Health care, and she said, "Mental Health and Substance Abuse?" And I said, yeah, even though it had nothing to do with Substance Abuse, but I suppose that's probably a department title.
I said the Governor told me to talk to Lisa Michelle Church, but she said, "Have you had a chance to talk to our division head for this category", so and so? I can't remember the name. I said no . . . she said she'd transfer me there, and then also gave me the name of someone else to talk to.
While she was transferring me, I hung up just now. I was told to talk to a certain person by Governor Huntsman, and they are beaurocratically shuffling me around??? I got the sense from her that how dare I be presumptious (sp?) to want to bother Ms/Mrs? Church . . . maybe not so much of a, how dare you, but a DEFINITE sense that I was reaching far out of my place and appropriateness and level, in wanting to talk to her. I TOLD her the Governor said to talk to her!!!
I think she is the HEAD of the Dept. of Human Services for the State of Utah, I'll have to look that up. I think that I just had too much fear to talk to some people other than whom the Governor definitely wanted me to DIRECTLY talk to. He really was kindly emphatic about his desire that I get in touch with Lisa.
I think I made a mistake when I called, in saying what issues it was about. I think I'll call back in a bit, or tomorrow, and just emphatically request to speak with Lisa Church, and not say what it's regarding, or that I'm the same person this lady/screener/secretary? just dealt with.
Seriously, I got the beaurocratic shuffle coming across BIG time in this call, just now. And I think the Governor wanted to help me cut through that. If worse comes to worse, I'll say, hey, Governor Huntsman was emphatic that I speak with Lisa . . . he wanted me to tell HER exactly what I told HIM.
I guess we'll see how I do. I'll keep you updated (as if you are interested in what happens w/lil ole me, anyway . . . .)
Now I'm feeling really STUPID about the radio call . . . .
Why is it I cycle like this? I get all bold, and do something, and then later it's like I'm shrink wrap under a heat gun . . . .
ARGH!! Am I stupid, or am I brave? I suppose those are all or nothing, to think I am one OR the other . . . . but it is hard to be anything in-between; I seem to be much about polar opposites . . . . . I get mental and emotional whiplash from all the back and forth. It's about more than just MOOD swings.
I'm talking paradigm shifts, that pull your whole worldview/perspective out from under you, and you then are operating from a place where many of the decisions you may have just made in the previous mind-set no longer make sense, and many of them you (I) can't follow through on; I have enough problems trying to do the stuff that makes sense to me, or fits with what I'm feeling or thinking.
Attitude swings . . . aside from the emotional stuff. Opinion swings too. And then there's the 'ole believing and feeling conflicting sides of an issue or situation at the same time.
I'm a storm of contrasts and extremes. Balance is NOT a part of the experience.
It's hard to explain. Somehow, I've got to LEARN balance, but even after a year of therapy, I can't even conceive of what that would be like.
I HATE HAVING SO MUCH OF ME, ABOUT ME, THAT IS ME, SHIFTING/SWINGING/CHANGING/RAPID CYCLING/ETC.
No wonder I'm dizzy, emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, socially, etc., ad nauseum . . . .
Ad nauseous . . .
ARGH!! Am I stupid, or am I brave? I suppose those are all or nothing, to think I am one OR the other . . . . but it is hard to be anything in-between; I seem to be much about polar opposites . . . . . I get mental and emotional whiplash from all the back and forth. It's about more than just MOOD swings.
I'm talking paradigm shifts, that pull your whole worldview/perspective out from under you, and you then are operating from a place where many of the decisions you may have just made in the previous mind-set no longer make sense, and many of them you (I) can't follow through on; I have enough problems trying to do the stuff that makes sense to me, or fits with what I'm feeling or thinking.
Attitude swings . . . aside from the emotional stuff. Opinion swings too. And then there's the 'ole believing and feeling conflicting sides of an issue or situation at the same time.
I'm a storm of contrasts and extremes. Balance is NOT a part of the experience.
It's hard to explain. Somehow, I've got to LEARN balance, but even after a year of therapy, I can't even conceive of what that would be like.
I HATE HAVING SO MUCH OF ME, ABOUT ME, THAT IS ME, SHIFTING/SWINGING/CHANGING/RAPID CYCLING/ETC.
No wonder I'm dizzy, emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, socially, etc., ad nauseum . . . .
Ad nauseous . . .
Thursday, June 22, 2006
KSL Radio Conversation w/Governor Jon Huntsman
Well . . . I just got off the phone with Governor Huntsman and Doug Wright on KSL Radio 1160 AM, in Salt Lake City, Utah.
I am not sure how I feel; I'm shaking. I feel a bit brushed off, but then again I probably need to withhold judgement until I call the person and phone number that was given to me.
I got through after quite a bit of busy signal. I related my story, which is as follows:
First I briefly mentioned the issue of health insurance parity for mental health issues, with the way other medical issues are paid. Then I got into my main issue.
I said that a year ago (and I reassured them that I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist, funded by a miraculous and private individual/organization, an unusual situation) I was trying to access mental health care. We made about $1000 too much a year for Medicaid, and were really poor and struggling to afford food. I tried to access mental health care through the county Behavioral Health system, which I had used 10 years ago, on a sliding fee scale. This time, though, I was told by the psychologist who interviewed me over the phone, that they could not accept me for treatment unless my funding came from certain sources. I don't even know what that MEANS, although I suspect it means Medicaid, Medicare, that I'd be on Social Security Disability, or have health insurance. I asked, where are people like me supposed to go, when the state fails to provide access to services for those who have nowhere to go? I was suicidal, and turned away from any care (well, I suppose I could have attempted, and gone to the hospital, but that's not sustained care). I also mentioned that in a recent NAMI report that Utah scored D for mental health care, quality of, and access to.
The host, Doug Wright, seemed to get a little impatient at this point and asked, "What can the Governor do for you on this, what can he answer?" I said, "Well, it seems like there's been a backsliding of available services, a lessening of access to care for those in need, who have nowhere to go." I tried to make sure it sounded like I was asking for his opinion/thoughts on this issue and situation, and NOT for personal help with my problems accessing this stuff. I think, especially with this last comment, that I think I finally came across with the bigger picture, maybe . . . I was SO nervous, and scared, and probably talking fast and in a monotone . . .
His response was kind. He said, "First, I am glad you are still with us, Sara. I am glad that you are doing better. We have someone who can address those things and answer you, and I'd really like you to give her a call. He then gave me the name and phone number of a lady who, I think, might be the head of the Dept. of Human Services for the State of Utah . . . . Still, I feel kinda brushed off, a bit, I don't think and feel that they really or even more than just a tiny bit, GOT what I was trying to say . . . the problems that exist that have gotten WORSE in this state over the last decade, that I would guess is/are sending people like me away from any access to mental health care, and into the world with nowhere to turn. If it happened to me, it's happening to others . . . . Utah scored a D on the Nami report, and all they could do was give me a name and phone number?
Still, I really WILL try to withhold as much judgement as I can until I've spoken with this woman. It sounded like Governor Huntsman wants to follow up and find out from her a bit about it, MAYBE. I think it was expressed in the way and wording of what he was telling me at the end, but I was so nervous and concentrating on writing the name and number down, I can't remember. I am sure, though, that he IS concerned about the possibility that this situation has gotten WORSE in the state, and that people are in desperate straits and being rejected from care.
He was very kind, concerned, and positive with me.
Did I say my hands were still shaking? I was SO nervous and scared!!! I also wanted to bring up Annegb's horrid experience from a month or two ago, but they were getting impatient with my story, which I thought I related fairly well and fairly efficiently, given how nervous I was.
Geez, I'm still shaking. Still, I'm VERY VERY proud of myself, for stepping up and trying something to advocate for these issues.
My fingers are shaking! Okay, that's the third time I've said that. Any of you in Salt Lake who were listening, that was ME. I probably sounded like a goober.
I think I've used up all my courage for the month. Lol! For the YEAR. Annegb, it was thinking of you that helped give me the courage to do this. So THANK you. We need to talk on the phone soon.
I'd better go before I faint.
Sara
I am not sure how I feel; I'm shaking. I feel a bit brushed off, but then again I probably need to withhold judgement until I call the person and phone number that was given to me.
I got through after quite a bit of busy signal. I related my story, which is as follows:
First I briefly mentioned the issue of health insurance parity for mental health issues, with the way other medical issues are paid. Then I got into my main issue.
I said that a year ago (and I reassured them that I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist, funded by a miraculous and private individual/organization, an unusual situation) I was trying to access mental health care. We made about $1000 too much a year for Medicaid, and were really poor and struggling to afford food. I tried to access mental health care through the county Behavioral Health system, which I had used 10 years ago, on a sliding fee scale. This time, though, I was told by the psychologist who interviewed me over the phone, that they could not accept me for treatment unless my funding came from certain sources. I don't even know what that MEANS, although I suspect it means Medicaid, Medicare, that I'd be on Social Security Disability, or have health insurance. I asked, where are people like me supposed to go, when the state fails to provide access to services for those who have nowhere to go? I was suicidal, and turned away from any care (well, I suppose I could have attempted, and gone to the hospital, but that's not sustained care). I also mentioned that in a recent NAMI report that Utah scored D for mental health care, quality of, and access to.
The host, Doug Wright, seemed to get a little impatient at this point and asked, "What can the Governor do for you on this, what can he answer?" I said, "Well, it seems like there's been a backsliding of available services, a lessening of access to care for those in need, who have nowhere to go." I tried to make sure it sounded like I was asking for his opinion/thoughts on this issue and situation, and NOT for personal help with my problems accessing this stuff. I think, especially with this last comment, that I think I finally came across with the bigger picture, maybe . . . I was SO nervous, and scared, and probably talking fast and in a monotone . . .
His response was kind. He said, "First, I am glad you are still with us, Sara. I am glad that you are doing better. We have someone who can address those things and answer you, and I'd really like you to give her a call. He then gave me the name and phone number of a lady who, I think, might be the head of the Dept. of Human Services for the State of Utah . . . . Still, I feel kinda brushed off, a bit, I don't think and feel that they really or even more than just a tiny bit, GOT what I was trying to say . . . the problems that exist that have gotten WORSE in this state over the last decade, that I would guess is/are sending people like me away from any access to mental health care, and into the world with nowhere to turn. If it happened to me, it's happening to others . . . . Utah scored a D on the Nami report, and all they could do was give me a name and phone number?
Still, I really WILL try to withhold as much judgement as I can until I've spoken with this woman. It sounded like Governor Huntsman wants to follow up and find out from her a bit about it, MAYBE. I think it was expressed in the way and wording of what he was telling me at the end, but I was so nervous and concentrating on writing the name and number down, I can't remember. I am sure, though, that he IS concerned about the possibility that this situation has gotten WORSE in the state, and that people are in desperate straits and being rejected from care.
He was very kind, concerned, and positive with me.
Did I say my hands were still shaking? I was SO nervous and scared!!! I also wanted to bring up Annegb's horrid experience from a month or two ago, but they were getting impatient with my story, which I thought I related fairly well and fairly efficiently, given how nervous I was.
Geez, I'm still shaking. Still, I'm VERY VERY proud of myself, for stepping up and trying something to advocate for these issues.
My fingers are shaking! Okay, that's the third time I've said that. Any of you in Salt Lake who were listening, that was ME. I probably sounded like a goober.
I think I've used up all my courage for the month. Lol! For the YEAR. Annegb, it was thinking of you that helped give me the courage to do this. So THANK you. We need to talk on the phone soon.
I'd better go before I faint.
Sara
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I wish I could sleep.
Sleep problems suck.
But then, so do vacuums.
I'm in a WIERRRDDD mood.
Daughter gets to stay up WAY LATE and watch the Hulk (well, some scenes I won't let her watch, but she's been doing HULK SMASH since she saw we borrowed it). It's a special treat; she's still up and it's midnight!!!
Hulk Smash. There was some post awhile ago where I was in a manic mood and saying something/somebody looked like the love child of the Grinch and the Hulk. I'll have to search that out!
It's off to the ologist again in the morning. Too much stuff happened this last week, as well as I've been broaching the subject of deeply distressing matters lately, and I had NO time for that last yesterday.
I had a REALLY BAD week. For a variety of reasons/events.
My parents went up to Yellowstone, and I SO wished I coulda gone! I hadn't realized my other sister had gone with them. I thought it was just my parents and my older brother. I miss all my family, and have been trying to plan something where my daughter and I go stay down that way for a few days, so I can hang out. Cause I never get to anymore, it seems.
You guys up for it? I was thinking about my missing my sister working up in Yellowstone, and how far away she is, and then thinking, well, just as long seems to pass before I can get down to the Provo area to see my eldest sister (or would you prefer oldest? eEeeee!) I wanna do something about that (you guys can come sleep over up here sometime too.
Anyway, gas prices DO suck, though, and we've been so tight that every gallon of gas has been eked out. BUT call me and while the parents are off, I want to see if we can come down and stay. Email me all your phone #'s again too cause I lose them all the time. Pleassseeee!!!
I want some FUN.
Oh yeah, Ma, your ODE is coming, that I promised earlier this year, hee! I've just been having alot of stuff on my mind. Besides my hair. Maybe it's UNthinning it seemed really thick today . . .
Good afternoon, good evening, and good night! First person who has commented here before, to name that movie gets . . . . to be special!!!
But then, so do vacuums.
I'm in a WIERRRDDD mood.
Daughter gets to stay up WAY LATE and watch the Hulk (well, some scenes I won't let her watch, but she's been doing HULK SMASH since she saw we borrowed it). It's a special treat; she's still up and it's midnight!!!
Hulk Smash. There was some post awhile ago where I was in a manic mood and saying something/somebody looked like the love child of the Grinch and the Hulk. I'll have to search that out!
It's off to the ologist again in the morning. Too much stuff happened this last week, as well as I've been broaching the subject of deeply distressing matters lately, and I had NO time for that last yesterday.
I had a REALLY BAD week. For a variety of reasons/events.
My parents went up to Yellowstone, and I SO wished I coulda gone! I hadn't realized my other sister had gone with them. I thought it was just my parents and my older brother. I miss all my family, and have been trying to plan something where my daughter and I go stay down that way for a few days, so I can hang out. Cause I never get to anymore, it seems.
You guys up for it? I was thinking about my missing my sister working up in Yellowstone, and how far away she is, and then thinking, well, just as long seems to pass before I can get down to the Provo area to see my eldest sister (or would you prefer oldest? eEeeee!) I wanna do something about that (you guys can come sleep over up here sometime too.
Anyway, gas prices DO suck, though, and we've been so tight that every gallon of gas has been eked out. BUT call me and while the parents are off, I want to see if we can come down and stay. Email me all your phone #'s again too cause I lose them all the time. Pleassseeee!!!
I want some FUN.
Oh yeah, Ma, your ODE is coming, that I promised earlier this year, hee! I've just been having alot of stuff on my mind. Besides my hair. Maybe it's UNthinning it seemed really thick today . . .
Good afternoon, good evening, and good night! First person who has commented here before, to name that movie gets . . . . to be special!!!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Reckless
Isn't there a song by that name?
Anyhoo . . . . I'm goin . . . goin . . . . gone!!! WAY way way way WAY up.
How's the weather down there on planet Earth . . .
Anyhoo . . . . I'm goin . . . goin . . . . gone!!! WAY way way way WAY up.
How's the weather down there on planet Earth . . .
Thursday, June 15, 2006
All in the Mind II Carnival
I'm featured in the second edition of this carnival! Click the title to go there.
Here is a direct link to my featured post: Indescribable.
Enjoy!
Here is a direct link to my featured post: Indescribable.
Enjoy!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
A Mish Mash
Actor Crush of the Day: Pierce Brosnan!
Therapy was good yesterday. I had a hard time getting going, though, which is unusual since I talk my head off (which is wierd since I think of myself as painfully shy).
Shame and embarassment associated with the issues of extreme impulsivity and the lack of control of them. And that I "should" have self-control.
Yeah, that's a "should". Still, this is a HUGE struggle and problem for me, and even TALKING about it makes it more real how horrid I am in this area. How horrible I AM; okay, let me change that; instead of personalizing it, labeling myself, and overgeneralizing, how about I say I FEEL horrible about myself when I contemplate my lack of efficacy in this area.
There; see? Therapy is working, damnit! Hee hee. Sometimes I'm like, dammit, therapy is working! Get out of my head, King!
And before you freak out, that's very normal to have these changeback reactions, this psychological resistance to change. So I try not to beat myself up for it, and, in fact, I find it kind of funny and have a bit of a giggle about it. Also, it shows me that therapy IS working. And I accept the reaction as part of the process. Of course there's going to be parts of me, much of it on a subconscious level, that is pulling back against the changes. Accepting that is rather liberating.
Anyhoo, onto some more in this mish mash post. Anyone for mashed potaters?
Get back on track, brain!! (Yank!). Let's see, I didn't know I'd miss my sister as much as I do. See, it's not like I got to ever hardly see her anyway, but with her working in a national park, of course she's farther away. I impulsively decided to gift her with THIS necklace . . . I'd been thinking lately what could I do for her or give her so she'd know I missed her and was thinking about her; now she can wear this and think of ME, and a bit of me will be there with her . . . .
Plus, I think she'll enjoy the unique name I gave it too.
Oh Yeah! My dad just made me the most AWESOME wooden beads! My parents were just here, and he brought me a sampling of shapes and sizes, in sycamore (blond) and walnut (a nice deep, rich brown). I couldn't stop playing with them, and exclaiming over them, and I had to string them just to see! WOW! I can imagine all sorts of designs. I had requested some chunky ones too, size wise, and he did some of those too! These are MARVELOUS!
Thanks, Dad!!!! They are SWEET! He also made some interesting different designs, too! Wooden beads, yippee! I think a strand of wooden beads is always a good look, especially basic rounds, but wooden beads and the boho eclectic look as well are VERY, VERY in right now. Natural materials are VERY hot!!! Yippeee, I LOVE these beads!!! You know what these'd cost me to buy? Eeep! Especially in this variety. Well, some places have decent prices on a few varieties of decently sized wood beads, but beyond those few styles . . . .
And custom, to boot! Okay, enough about wooden beads.
You all are probably bored right now.
I am so VERY VERY tired. Very very very.
How does one reassure one's child that the Sun is NOT going to die for billions of years? Her concept of time is very . . . well, not developed. This is one of the areas her high-functioning autism rather affects, I think. She is SO worried about this, she checked the book out again and keeps going to the page with the life cycle of our sun on it, and a large picture of a red giant near the end of its life. I'm going to ask my ologist some strategies for relieving her fears, cause what you'd generally think of isn't working, and she's showing a repeated and strong level of concern that is concerning ME.
I remember how, as a child, as soon as I learned about volcanos at a science fair at the junior high (my older siblings were in it, I was about 7), we walked outside after, I looked up at the Catskill Mountains in the Hudson River Valley, and thought, these are all volcanos, they will all put out lava which will fill up the valley to the top, we will all burn, be melted horribly, and die.
And I was terrified of this until around 12-13 when I learned that not all mountains are volcanos, and certainly the Catskills weren't. To this day, though, I still have nightmares involving volcanos and lava. Nothing like a horrid childhood fear to really do you in.
Therapy was good yesterday. I had a hard time getting going, though, which is unusual since I talk my head off (which is wierd since I think of myself as painfully shy).
Shame and embarassment associated with the issues of extreme impulsivity and the lack of control of them. And that I "should" have self-control.
Yeah, that's a "should". Still, this is a HUGE struggle and problem for me, and even TALKING about it makes it more real how horrid I am in this area. How horrible I AM; okay, let me change that; instead of personalizing it, labeling myself, and overgeneralizing, how about I say I FEEL horrible about myself when I contemplate my lack of efficacy in this area.
There; see? Therapy is working, damnit! Hee hee. Sometimes I'm like, dammit, therapy is working! Get out of my head, King!
And before you freak out, that's very normal to have these changeback reactions, this psychological resistance to change. So I try not to beat myself up for it, and, in fact, I find it kind of funny and have a bit of a giggle about it. Also, it shows me that therapy IS working. And I accept the reaction as part of the process. Of course there's going to be parts of me, much of it on a subconscious level, that is pulling back against the changes. Accepting that is rather liberating.
Anyhoo, onto some more in this mish mash post. Anyone for mashed potaters?
Get back on track, brain!! (Yank!). Let's see, I didn't know I'd miss my sister as much as I do. See, it's not like I got to ever hardly see her anyway, but with her working in a national park, of course she's farther away. I impulsively decided to gift her with THIS necklace . . . I'd been thinking lately what could I do for her or give her so she'd know I missed her and was thinking about her; now she can wear this and think of ME, and a bit of me will be there with her . . . .
Plus, I think she'll enjoy the unique name I gave it too.
Oh Yeah! My dad just made me the most AWESOME wooden beads! My parents were just here, and he brought me a sampling of shapes and sizes, in sycamore (blond) and walnut (a nice deep, rich brown). I couldn't stop playing with them, and exclaiming over them, and I had to string them just to see! WOW! I can imagine all sorts of designs. I had requested some chunky ones too, size wise, and he did some of those too! These are MARVELOUS!
Thanks, Dad!!!! They are SWEET! He also made some interesting different designs, too! Wooden beads, yippee! I think a strand of wooden beads is always a good look, especially basic rounds, but wooden beads and the boho eclectic look as well are VERY, VERY in right now. Natural materials are VERY hot!!! Yippeee, I LOVE these beads!!! You know what these'd cost me to buy? Eeep! Especially in this variety. Well, some places have decent prices on a few varieties of decently sized wood beads, but beyond those few styles . . . .
And custom, to boot! Okay, enough about wooden beads.
You all are probably bored right now.
I am so VERY VERY tired. Very very very.
How does one reassure one's child that the Sun is NOT going to die for billions of years? Her concept of time is very . . . well, not developed. This is one of the areas her high-functioning autism rather affects, I think. She is SO worried about this, she checked the book out again and keeps going to the page with the life cycle of our sun on it, and a large picture of a red giant near the end of its life. I'm going to ask my ologist some strategies for relieving her fears, cause what you'd generally think of isn't working, and she's showing a repeated and strong level of concern that is concerning ME.
I remember how, as a child, as soon as I learned about volcanos at a science fair at the junior high (my older siblings were in it, I was about 7), we walked outside after, I looked up at the Catskill Mountains in the Hudson River Valley, and thought, these are all volcanos, they will all put out lava which will fill up the valley to the top, we will all burn, be melted horribly, and die.
And I was terrified of this until around 12-13 when I learned that not all mountains are volcanos, and certainly the Catskills weren't. To this day, though, I still have nightmares involving volcanos and lava. Nothing like a horrid childhood fear to really do you in.
Friday, June 09, 2006
I LOVE my psychologist!
Actor Crush of the Day: Sean Connery, yum!
I'm not IN love with him, I just LOVE him! He's sooooo good. Therapy was SOOOOOoooooo good today. Possibly because I was kind of left hanging after Tuesday, because sometimes you just HAVE to stop in the middle of something even if it's going to cause difficulties to do so, because of time constraints.
Anyway, so I'm loving therapy this week, even though I worked on stuff I didn't and don't "WANT" to, I know it's beneficial to me to. It sucks, hurting so bad, though.
Yay for therapy! Yay for a kind and good, gentle, knowledgeable, helpful, willing to explore anything I bring to the table, and sometimes adding in insights and things that I'm like, OH! That REALLY makes sense out of something I thought was nonsensible. It helps me get a different angle, grip, perspective on some troublesome things.
Anyway, he's kind and friendly and helpful and supportive and accepting and stuff. So thanks, Dr. Mower!
I'm not IN love with him, I just LOVE him! He's sooooo good. Therapy was SOOOOOoooooo good today. Possibly because I was kind of left hanging after Tuesday, because sometimes you just HAVE to stop in the middle of something even if it's going to cause difficulties to do so, because of time constraints.
Anyway, so I'm loving therapy this week, even though I worked on stuff I didn't and don't "WANT" to, I know it's beneficial to me to. It sucks, hurting so bad, though.
Yay for therapy! Yay for a kind and good, gentle, knowledgeable, helpful, willing to explore anything I bring to the table, and sometimes adding in insights and things that I'm like, OH! That REALLY makes sense out of something I thought was nonsensible. It helps me get a different angle, grip, perspective on some troublesome things.
Anyway, he's kind and friendly and helpful and supportive and accepting and stuff. So thanks, Dr. Mower!
Thursday, June 08, 2006
TV & Movie Portrayals of Mental Health Issues & MHProfessionals: Part One, Smallville
Actor Crush of the Day: Bruce Willis (Cause, in honor of this post, I decided to pick someone who has played a shrink a couple of times, plus, I actually am really drawn to him in that role . . . . )
Okay so now you know I'm wierd.
Wait, I think I've gone quite a few posts PASTS the wierd trainstop; this baby's got momentum, now!!
So, two purposes in this series; I can't find anything about myself acceptable right now, even what I like. But I'll try with postings and discussions of mental health in the moving media, both an intellectual discussion (If I Only Had a Brain is now going through my mind . . . see, even THAT movie refers to mental health, hee hee!) and also a discussion of our favorite movies, shows, characters, portrayals, etc.
First, a mini-rant about a show I like: Smallville. Granted, this show is NOT about mental health . . . but . . . actually, there's alot of seriously unhealthy people on this show.
First, Lana is quite the narcississt (sp?), although she seems to have grown up a BIT in this last season (in the two seasons previous, I just wanted to slap her and say, IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!.
And then there's the idealized relationship, at least fairly idealized, that Clark has with his adoptive parents. That was part of the premise of the show, though, that while he would have problems like any teen, in the end it'd all work out between they and he, and such. And I liked this facet of the show; it provided a safe, idealized family to fantasize about, to me. Plus, his adoptive dad is/was such a hottie!! Yum!
Ahem . . . okay, so, now on to the meteor freaks. Granted, this is a show about the adolescence and early adulthood of a superhero. Granted, it seems we're supposed to believe that for most of his life, Clark grew up in this area that, as the show wore on, seems to be LITTERED with more Kryptonite than you could shake a stick at, and except for a few sick spells out back in the woods, he never ran across any! Granted, they seem to want us to believe that this fictional substance was very mutagenic (teratogenic? what's the proper term . . .) to most people, or at least many, who were exposed to it either intensely, in the initial meteor shower, or over a long period of time.
The first season had so many of these freaks, that the show was in danger of becoming Freak of the Week. Which it often did. They toned this down
some in the second season, in favor of more Story. Which was great! I thought they went an interesting direction when the spiraling Kryptonese inside his babyhood spaceship was revealed to be a message from his biological father, saying something like he was destined to conquer the Earth. VERY much a surprising departure from the classical interpretation of Superman's origins. It has proven to add some very interesting things to the show, although can and has sometimes become an easy crutch with which to throw some non-Freak of the Week drama, conflict, and action into the show.
Still, as the seasons wore on (I discovered the show at the beginning of Season Four, mostly) I kind of looked for there to be one of these social outcasts, social outsiders in Smallville High, who turned out to be JUST a depressed, or bipolar, or whatnot person, who needed professional mental help, and that they weren't this "wierdo" because they were a meteor freak. And that Clark and pals would learn not to jump to conclusions so quickly (by the end of season 4, it seemed the amount of time they spent/needed to investigate a situation to figure out WHO was behind the wierdness going on, had DRASTICALLY gone down), and learn to actually consider the FEELINGS of other people.
Okay, you may say, HEY, this is based on a superhero, what do you expect? Well, with so many of the meteor freaks ending up in the local Arkham Asylum, in this case, Belle Reve, and with several versions (pretty much all negatively portrayed, with sometimes drastically terrible behaviors by) of psychiatrists shown throughout the last three seasons, one would hope they'd actually have a few "normal" mentally ill in there, somewhere, and "normal" and genuine and GOOD/moral, whatever, mental health professionals.
I KNOW that the show was not about mental health, but I've considered in the past, writing the show a letter requesting that they at least THINK briefly about the possibility that the constant parade of meteor freaks getting sent to the mental hospital, as well as the so far negative portrayal of psychiatrists, might be promulgating some negative stereotypes about mental illness(es), mental health professionals, facilities, services, and the issues involved.
Yes, it's JUST a show about a boy growing into a man, and an out of this world boy at that (and such a HOTTIE! at the risk of repeating myself . . .) but some people form their opinions based on such. Really, when there's been so much negative portrayal, it'd be nice for some positive, and realistic.
Realistic as in, Clark tries to intervene in a domestic abuse situation, and it blows up on him (I recall a classic/vintage Superman story involving this, and they revisited it in the comics in the 80's, with much more realism and the complications one might expect from this, such as the wife not leaving the abuser, and both of them ending up mad at him, or something.). I may not be remembering that more recent story very accurately, but generally that was the drift.
I believe that it would be VERY interesting, dramatically, and even action-wise, to see Clark have to confront how to deal with situations that are complicated by realistically portrayed mental illness. How about an episode where he saves a suicidal person, and finds out that there was someone he could have saved on the other side of town, and the suicidal person kills themselves a week later when he's off saving the world . . . . a realistic discussion and portrayal and having to figure out that it WAS NOT a waste to save that suicidal person the first time. This would present quite a few conflicts and dramas and stuff, I would think. I would HOPE that it would come to the conclusion I list, there, though.
I do recall one episode where Clark saved a teacher/coach? from the highschool, only to later have this saved person kill and try to kill some former cheerleaders, including Lana. He wondered if he wasn't supposed to save him, if it would have been better if he hadn't . . . .
I think the psychological development of Clark has been rather interesting to watch, but I think, much MORE interesting, has been the psychological development of Lex Luthor, whom I was surprised, upon discovering the series, to see that he was GOOD (well, mostly, at least early on, and as much as one COULD be having been raised by a horrific father). You could see from the beginning both of Lex's sides, but his progression along the path that will lead him to where we all know he's going, has been very interesting, and I can't help but cheer on his goodness, and sympathize with (some) of his badness, especially when you see that some of his darker actions are sometimes a direct result of what his father did to him. Even though I know cheering on his goodness is pointless (well, he's fictional anyway, but will also go bad, of course, that's a given), but I can't help it anyway.
I had an English teacher who told us that whomever changes the most, over the course of a piece of literature we were going to read, that we ought to consider the possibility that THAT person was the main character of the book. The book we then read was Ivanhoe, although we didn't really "read" it, we just watched the 4 hour movie of it. Thing is, Sam Neill's character, whom I forget the name of, went from bad, to good. Ivanhoe was the same, unchanging person throughout the entire book. Rather dull, in comparison.
That is kind of how it seems when considering Clark vs. Lex Luthor, in terms of who may be more interesting, psychologically for me.
Still, Clark pretty much has to make god-like life-or-death decisions frequently, and they aren't always clear cut, so there's alot of interest there. But Lex! . . . . He is DELICIOUSLY complex . . . . OOO that rhymes!! Plus, he's rather handsome; I can't imagine now that I'd like him as much WITH hair, as I do without. I've never seen him with it . . .
I plan on going into Lionel Luthor (Lex's dad, for those who don't know) and Lex more in the next part, and into Clark's and his adoptive parents' relationships with Jor-El in the next part of the series as well.
Mini-rant? It's turned into a novel . . . . but there's aLOT going on in this show!
Also, Lex's stay at Belle Reve, and the electroshock therapy he had there, to erase his memory (by order of his father) and all sorts of other psychological goodies (or baddies, in this case!)
Erm, I'm no psychological expert, in case it sounds like I'm coming off as one; I just find this sort of thing fascinating, and have thought about these things for a long time. Probably beaten them to death, but that's what I do best. TTFN! Hoo hoo hoo hoo!!
Okay so now you know I'm wierd.
Wait, I think I've gone quite a few posts PASTS the wierd trainstop; this baby's got momentum, now!!
So, two purposes in this series; I can't find anything about myself acceptable right now, even what I like. But I'll try with postings and discussions of mental health in the moving media, both an intellectual discussion (If I Only Had a Brain is now going through my mind . . . see, even THAT movie refers to mental health, hee hee!) and also a discussion of our favorite movies, shows, characters, portrayals, etc.
First, a mini-rant about a show I like: Smallville. Granted, this show is NOT about mental health . . . but . . . actually, there's alot of seriously unhealthy people on this show.
First, Lana is quite the narcississt (sp?), although she seems to have grown up a BIT in this last season (in the two seasons previous, I just wanted to slap her and say, IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!.
And then there's the idealized relationship, at least fairly idealized, that Clark has with his adoptive parents. That was part of the premise of the show, though, that while he would have problems like any teen, in the end it'd all work out between they and he, and such. And I liked this facet of the show; it provided a safe, idealized family to fantasize about, to me. Plus, his adoptive dad is/was such a hottie!! Yum!
Ahem . . . okay, so, now on to the meteor freaks. Granted, this is a show about the adolescence and early adulthood of a superhero. Granted, it seems we're supposed to believe that for most of his life, Clark grew up in this area that, as the show wore on, seems to be LITTERED with more Kryptonite than you could shake a stick at, and except for a few sick spells out back in the woods, he never ran across any! Granted, they seem to want us to believe that this fictional substance was very mutagenic (teratogenic? what's the proper term . . .) to most people, or at least many, who were exposed to it either intensely, in the initial meteor shower, or over a long period of time.
The first season had so many of these freaks, that the show was in danger of becoming Freak of the Week. Which it often did. They toned this down
some in the second season, in favor of more Story. Which was great! I thought they went an interesting direction when the spiraling Kryptonese inside his babyhood spaceship was revealed to be a message from his biological father, saying something like he was destined to conquer the Earth. VERY much a surprising departure from the classical interpretation of Superman's origins. It has proven to add some very interesting things to the show, although can and has sometimes become an easy crutch with which to throw some non-Freak of the Week drama, conflict, and action into the show.
Still, as the seasons wore on (I discovered the show at the beginning of Season Four, mostly) I kind of looked for there to be one of these social outcasts, social outsiders in Smallville High, who turned out to be JUST a depressed, or bipolar, or whatnot person, who needed professional mental help, and that they weren't this "wierdo" because they were a meteor freak. And that Clark and pals would learn not to jump to conclusions so quickly (by the end of season 4, it seemed the amount of time they spent/needed to investigate a situation to figure out WHO was behind the wierdness going on, had DRASTICALLY gone down), and learn to actually consider the FEELINGS of other people.
Okay, you may say, HEY, this is based on a superhero, what do you expect? Well, with so many of the meteor freaks ending up in the local Arkham Asylum, in this case, Belle Reve, and with several versions (pretty much all negatively portrayed, with sometimes drastically terrible behaviors by) of psychiatrists shown throughout the last three seasons, one would hope they'd actually have a few "normal" mentally ill in there, somewhere, and "normal" and genuine and GOOD/moral, whatever, mental health professionals.
I KNOW that the show was not about mental health, but I've considered in the past, writing the show a letter requesting that they at least THINK briefly about the possibility that the constant parade of meteor freaks getting sent to the mental hospital, as well as the so far negative portrayal of psychiatrists, might be promulgating some negative stereotypes about mental illness(es), mental health professionals, facilities, services, and the issues involved.
Yes, it's JUST a show about a boy growing into a man, and an out of this world boy at that (and such a HOTTIE! at the risk of repeating myself . . .) but some people form their opinions based on such. Really, when there's been so much negative portrayal, it'd be nice for some positive, and realistic.
Realistic as in, Clark tries to intervene in a domestic abuse situation, and it blows up on him (I recall a classic/vintage Superman story involving this, and they revisited it in the comics in the 80's, with much more realism and the complications one might expect from this, such as the wife not leaving the abuser, and both of them ending up mad at him, or something.). I may not be remembering that more recent story very accurately, but generally that was the drift.
I believe that it would be VERY interesting, dramatically, and even action-wise, to see Clark have to confront how to deal with situations that are complicated by realistically portrayed mental illness. How about an episode where he saves a suicidal person, and finds out that there was someone he could have saved on the other side of town, and the suicidal person kills themselves a week later when he's off saving the world . . . . a realistic discussion and portrayal and having to figure out that it WAS NOT a waste to save that suicidal person the first time. This would present quite a few conflicts and dramas and stuff, I would think. I would HOPE that it would come to the conclusion I list, there, though.
I do recall one episode where Clark saved a teacher/coach? from the highschool, only to later have this saved person kill and try to kill some former cheerleaders, including Lana. He wondered if he wasn't supposed to save him, if it would have been better if he hadn't . . . .
I think the psychological development of Clark has been rather interesting to watch, but I think, much MORE interesting, has been the psychological development of Lex Luthor, whom I was surprised, upon discovering the series, to see that he was GOOD (well, mostly, at least early on, and as much as one COULD be having been raised by a horrific father). You could see from the beginning both of Lex's sides, but his progression along the path that will lead him to where we all know he's going, has been very interesting, and I can't help but cheer on his goodness, and sympathize with (some) of his badness, especially when you see that some of his darker actions are sometimes a direct result of what his father did to him. Even though I know cheering on his goodness is pointless (well, he's fictional anyway, but will also go bad, of course, that's a given), but I can't help it anyway.
I had an English teacher who told us that whomever changes the most, over the course of a piece of literature we were going to read, that we ought to consider the possibility that THAT person was the main character of the book. The book we then read was Ivanhoe, although we didn't really "read" it, we just watched the 4 hour movie of it. Thing is, Sam Neill's character, whom I forget the name of, went from bad, to good. Ivanhoe was the same, unchanging person throughout the entire book. Rather dull, in comparison.
That is kind of how it seems when considering Clark vs. Lex Luthor, in terms of who may be more interesting, psychologically for me.
Still, Clark pretty much has to make god-like life-or-death decisions frequently, and they aren't always clear cut, so there's alot of interest there. But Lex! . . . . He is DELICIOUSLY complex . . . . OOO that rhymes!! Plus, he's rather handsome; I can't imagine now that I'd like him as much WITH hair, as I do without. I've never seen him with it . . .
I plan on going into Lionel Luthor (Lex's dad, for those who don't know) and Lex more in the next part, and into Clark's and his adoptive parents' relationships with Jor-El in the next part of the series as well.
Mini-rant? It's turned into a novel . . . . but there's aLOT going on in this show!
Also, Lex's stay at Belle Reve, and the electroshock therapy he had there, to erase his memory (by order of his father) and all sorts of other psychological goodies (or baddies, in this case!)
Erm, I'm no psychological expert, in case it sounds like I'm coming off as one; I just find this sort of thing fascinating, and have thought about these things for a long time. Probably beaten them to death, but that's what I do best. TTFN! Hoo hoo hoo hoo!!
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Laughter is Good for the Brain
Actor Crush of the Day:
Click the title and read the post there. VERY interesting. Thing is, the vast majority of comedy flicks are NOT funny to me, even when you eliminate (no pun intended) the various Adam Sandler and/or lowbrow bathroom humor and other crap (pun intended) flicks.
So where to get my laffs? I do like my Daily Psychiatry toon on the sidebar, but I've seen all of them, and only occasionally are there new ones (as, of course, he produces toons on many subjects).
Anyone? I need some medicine, I mean laughter.
On another note, today's therapy . . . well, stay tuned for part two, I go back 9am Friday. Two for the price of, well, wait, I can 't really comment on THAT since it's well, I just can't, but hey, this week is a twoferwhateverit'scostingfortwoinoneweek.
Difficult. And at the end, I said, "Well, I'm NOT glad that I just went through all that, said all that, did all that . . . . I am not glad about what I experienced." Often, after an especially emotional therapy session, there will be a sense of catharsis, a sense of cleansing, even to a tiny degree, a sense of some kind of progress, even just in opening up . . . . but today, none of those. And, I started crying again as we wrapped up, I'm not sure why, but it just IS so emotionally difficult, doing and being this. Kept crying as I walked down the hall, down the stairs, and outside.
Cry me a river, I can hear you saying, C'mon, give us a break, quit feeling sorry for yourself.
Well, how else am I supposed to describe a strangely uncathartic sob session? An unrelieved pain? At least, it feels so at the moment.
The part when I was sobbing, "I can't . . . I can't . . . I can't . . . " repeatedly, and he gently asked, "You can't . . .what?" . . . . And I responded, after searching myself . . . ."I can't be hurt by YOU again." It was very intense.
Anyway, perhaps I'll go on more about it tomorrow, perhaps not, guess we'll see. Mebbe I'll feel better after sleeping on it.
Edit: I did go on after that to talk a bit about WHY it may have been causing such intensely deep feelings in me, such a deep HURT over what seemed like such a little thing. So at least I can be proud of bringing up what I was so dreadfully afraid to. And that he kindly and mostly empathetically engaged with me throughout the entire session.
Click the title and read the post there. VERY interesting. Thing is, the vast majority of comedy flicks are NOT funny to me, even when you eliminate (no pun intended) the various Adam Sandler and/or lowbrow bathroom humor and other crap (pun intended) flicks.
So where to get my laffs? I do like my Daily Psychiatry toon on the sidebar, but I've seen all of them, and only occasionally are there new ones (as, of course, he produces toons on many subjects).
Anyone? I need some medicine, I mean laughter.
On another note, today's therapy . . . well, stay tuned for part two, I go back 9am Friday. Two for the price of, well, wait, I can 't really comment on THAT since it's well, I just can't, but hey, this week is a twoferwhateverit'scostingfortwoinoneweek.
Difficult. And at the end, I said, "Well, I'm NOT glad that I just went through all that, said all that, did all that . . . . I am not glad about what I experienced." Often, after an especially emotional therapy session, there will be a sense of catharsis, a sense of cleansing, even to a tiny degree, a sense of some kind of progress, even just in opening up . . . . but today, none of those. And, I started crying again as we wrapped up, I'm not sure why, but it just IS so emotionally difficult, doing and being this. Kept crying as I walked down the hall, down the stairs, and outside.
Cry me a river, I can hear you saying, C'mon, give us a break, quit feeling sorry for yourself.
Well, how else am I supposed to describe a strangely uncathartic sob session? An unrelieved pain? At least, it feels so at the moment.
The part when I was sobbing, "I can't . . . I can't . . . I can't . . . " repeatedly, and he gently asked, "You can't . . .what?" . . . . And I responded, after searching myself . . . ."I can't be hurt by YOU again." It was very intense.
Anyway, perhaps I'll go on more about it tomorrow, perhaps not, guess we'll see. Mebbe I'll feel better after sleeping on it.
Edit: I did go on after that to talk a bit about WHY it may have been causing such intensely deep feelings in me, such a deep HURT over what seemed like such a little thing. So at least I can be proud of bringing up what I was so dreadfully afraid to. And that he kindly and mostly empathetically engaged with me throughout the entire session.
No Mirrors, Please
Actor Crush of the Day: John Schneider
I generally don't look in mirrors much, which doesn't cause much of a hardship as I don't use (don't really know how) makeup.
I glance quickly a time or two as I'm doing my hair, and on the very rare day I actually think there might be a hint of someone possibly pretty under the very rarest concurring events, I do gaze into the mirror, a little.
Vanity, thy name is Sara.
Still, looking into my own eyes, the few times I do it, I think I may almost have to do some kind of a disconnect (well, I'm rather disconnected anyway) to be able to do so.
Some part of me feels in some distant way, in some distant manner, that that could possibly be a slightly sad thing. But hey, what's done is done, this is WHAT I am.
Seeing myself in the mirror, though, is rather disconcerting, very uncomfortable, and rather unpleasant for me. There is SO MUCH crap that has been heaped upon me in my life, that that's what I see. I guess that makes me $hit.
Well, damn I'm full of myself tonight. Self-pity is just another form of self-involvement. Doesn't change MY facts though. The facts that have developed from a lifetime of emotional beatings (my husband does not abuse me in any way, just had to make that clear.) Not that he's perfect; we get pissed off at each other on a regular basis. Well, actually, if it were more often we'd be better off; our marriage is kinda like Old Faceful with constipation, and when the blockage clears, all hell breaks loose.
I apologize for any horrid images running through your mind just now, but when Old Faceful gets clogged up, it's with dirt and minerals, so get your 'ole minds outta the toilet!
I 'spose I'm working on changing "MY facts" but . . . . hell if it ain't slower 'n molasses on a cold day in December. What the hell, it's kinda NICE having someone's attention focused on ME for a change, even if they have to be PAID to do it (that brings up a whole plethora of pathetic issues, issues with patheticness, but I've done far too much of THAT these last few days). Doesn't mean I don't feel that way, but I think you've got some of the idea after these last two posts.
Speaking of Mr. Paid to Listen to Me, I'll be seeing him in 9 hours. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I spoke to him on the phone last Wednesday, late afternoon. I am sure he'll be all kind and stuff, which is one of the things I LOVE about him. But there are times that he unknowingly causes hurt, and ALOT of it sometimes, like last week. But he didn't know all that stuff about what was going on inside me about the simple question I asked at the end of the session, to which his answer just stunned and horrified me (and it was not just a simple yes or no answer). He had no idea all the issues related to it, and feelings and crud. I hadn't really been aware of all that either, until I was horrified the whole next 24 hours and identified some of it.
Anyhoo, I'll prolly be bringing a post or two from this week, to therapy (the one or two that are about things we haven't discussed recently, or at all, but we've pretty much discussed almost all of what I've posted this week, in the past.
I generally don't look in mirrors much, which doesn't cause much of a hardship as I don't use (don't really know how) makeup.
I glance quickly a time or two as I'm doing my hair, and on the very rare day I actually think there might be a hint of someone possibly pretty under the very rarest concurring events, I do gaze into the mirror, a little.
Vanity, thy name is Sara.
Still, looking into my own eyes, the few times I do it, I think I may almost have to do some kind of a disconnect (well, I'm rather disconnected anyway) to be able to do so.
Some part of me feels in some distant way, in some distant manner, that that could possibly be a slightly sad thing. But hey, what's done is done, this is WHAT I am.
Seeing myself in the mirror, though, is rather disconcerting, very uncomfortable, and rather unpleasant for me. There is SO MUCH crap that has been heaped upon me in my life, that that's what I see. I guess that makes me $hit.
Well, damn I'm full of myself tonight. Self-pity is just another form of self-involvement. Doesn't change MY facts though. The facts that have developed from a lifetime of emotional beatings (my husband does not abuse me in any way, just had to make that clear.) Not that he's perfect; we get pissed off at each other on a regular basis. Well, actually, if it were more often we'd be better off; our marriage is kinda like Old Faceful with constipation, and when the blockage clears, all hell breaks loose.
I apologize for any horrid images running through your mind just now, but when Old Faceful gets clogged up, it's with dirt and minerals, so get your 'ole minds outta the toilet!
I 'spose I'm working on changing "MY facts" but . . . . hell if it ain't slower 'n molasses on a cold day in December. What the hell, it's kinda NICE having someone's attention focused on ME for a change, even if they have to be PAID to do it (that brings up a whole plethora of pathetic issues, issues with patheticness, but I've done far too much of THAT these last few days). Doesn't mean I don't feel that way, but I think you've got some of the idea after these last two posts.
Speaking of Mr. Paid to Listen to Me, I'll be seeing him in 9 hours. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I spoke to him on the phone last Wednesday, late afternoon. I am sure he'll be all kind and stuff, which is one of the things I LOVE about him. But there are times that he unknowingly causes hurt, and ALOT of it sometimes, like last week. But he didn't know all that stuff about what was going on inside me about the simple question I asked at the end of the session, to which his answer just stunned and horrified me (and it was not just a simple yes or no answer). He had no idea all the issues related to it, and feelings and crud. I hadn't really been aware of all that either, until I was horrified the whole next 24 hours and identified some of it.
Anyhoo, I'll prolly be bringing a post or two from this week, to therapy (the one or two that are about things we haven't discussed recently, or at all, but we've pretty much discussed almost all of what I've posted this week, in the past.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Poison
Actor Crush of the Day: Harrison Ford
A black widow spider! No no no nonononono no!!!!!! There was a black widow spider. And at least ONE baby, and if there's one, there's a billion more (do black widows have a zillion like other spiders?)
No no no!!!!! I don't know what to do. It was outside, the apartment next door lady was spraying something at a plastic 5 gallon bucket, and kitchen plastic garbage bag. She said she cleaned out the stairwell and our joint area there, and swept and sprayed all over. They had been getting invaded by spiders.
OHMYGOSH! A black widow spider!!!!! I've never seen one before in my entire life; I bent down a bit so's I could see the hourglass in red on its back. It was hanging off the side ridges on the outside of the plastic bucket. EWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwww!
I AM SO FLIPPIN' FREAKED! I live somewhere that there are black widow spiders. NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! HELL NO!
Um, now that you know a little more about how horribly horrible and wierd I am, well, maybe you'll understand a bit more about why I've decided I'M POISON.
The way I think, the directions I go in, the things I like, the things my mind settles on, the things I want, the things I want to do, the things I want to spend time doing, the desires I have for things, methods of doing/getting/being things, the well the things that really make up an individual's personality . . . the MANNER of my thinking, the very way my thoughts are organized (or not, depending), the WAY my SELF runs itself, runs and operates my being, my beingness, my presence in the world, the way I interact with the world and process input, experiences, likes, dislikes, sensory information, social/people interactivity or the lack thereof, EVERYTHING there is about EXISTING and LIVING and how one IS and how one is PRESENT in the world . . . . the way my brain/personality/soul/self identifies or doesn't with things, people, places, events . . . . the juvenile humor, puns, my tendency to just spontaneously, childishly go WAY too far with things like that . . . my stupid silliness, and the fact that my personality IS that, the fact that my personality is so . . . suspicious, paranoid . . . . easily angered, easily hurt . . . . offensive/defensive . . . . my very presence in this world is an OFFENSE to the sensibilities of those around me, of people in the world. The way my mind works is offensive to the way people interact with each other in the world; is insufficient to the requirement of being, of living, of existing, in any kind of appropriate or sufficient or adequate or acceptable WAY . . . . AT ALL, EVER, EVER, EVER!
And so, I, MYSELF, my very BEING-NESS, my SELF-HOOD, MY SELF-NESS, my . . . . SELF . . . . is POISON. Far more than flawed, defective, inappropriate. I AM POISON.
But then, anyone who knows me, knows this in their heart.
Oh yeah, if you've been reading this last week, you've seen me pissed off at my ologist, and then finding comfort in the safety of a therapeutic relationship, and then getting pissed off again, or if you haven't seen the latter, I'm talking about that now, cause I'm back to that. Maybe I was just finding comfort in the IDEA of a/the therapeutic relationship. Then again, I've probably idealized THAT, TOO, and done that stupid splitting thing. Further proof of my incapacity to deal. My incapacity to GET REAL.
I SUCK.
Bye.
A black widow spider! No no no nonononono no!!!!!! There was a black widow spider. And at least ONE baby, and if there's one, there's a billion more (do black widows have a zillion like other spiders?)
No no no!!!!! I don't know what to do. It was outside, the apartment next door lady was spraying something at a plastic 5 gallon bucket, and kitchen plastic garbage bag. She said she cleaned out the stairwell and our joint area there, and swept and sprayed all over. They had been getting invaded by spiders.
OHMYGOSH! A black widow spider!!!!! I've never seen one before in my entire life; I bent down a bit so's I could see the hourglass in red on its back. It was hanging off the side ridges on the outside of the plastic bucket. EWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwww!
I AM SO FLIPPIN' FREAKED! I live somewhere that there are black widow spiders. NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! HELL NO!
Um, now that you know a little more about how horribly horrible and wierd I am, well, maybe you'll understand a bit more about why I've decided I'M POISON.
The way I think, the directions I go in, the things I like, the things my mind settles on, the things I want, the things I want to do, the things I want to spend time doing, the desires I have for things, methods of doing/getting/being things, the well the things that really make up an individual's personality . . . the MANNER of my thinking, the very way my thoughts are organized (or not, depending), the WAY my SELF runs itself, runs and operates my being, my beingness, my presence in the world, the way I interact with the world and process input, experiences, likes, dislikes, sensory information, social/people interactivity or the lack thereof, EVERYTHING there is about EXISTING and LIVING and how one IS and how one is PRESENT in the world . . . . the way my brain/personality/soul/self identifies or doesn't with things, people, places, events . . . . the juvenile humor, puns, my tendency to just spontaneously, childishly go WAY too far with things like that . . . my stupid silliness, and the fact that my personality IS that, the fact that my personality is so . . . suspicious, paranoid . . . . easily angered, easily hurt . . . . offensive/defensive . . . . my very presence in this world is an OFFENSE to the sensibilities of those around me, of people in the world. The way my mind works is offensive to the way people interact with each other in the world; is insufficient to the requirement of being, of living, of existing, in any kind of appropriate or sufficient or adequate or acceptable WAY . . . . AT ALL, EVER, EVER, EVER!
And so, I, MYSELF, my very BEING-NESS, my SELF-HOOD, MY SELF-NESS, my . . . . SELF . . . . is POISON. Far more than flawed, defective, inappropriate. I AM POISON.
But then, anyone who knows me, knows this in their heart.
Oh yeah, if you've been reading this last week, you've seen me pissed off at my ologist, and then finding comfort in the safety of a therapeutic relationship, and then getting pissed off again, or if you haven't seen the latter, I'm talking about that now, cause I'm back to that. Maybe I was just finding comfort in the IDEA of a/the therapeutic relationship. Then again, I've probably idealized THAT, TOO, and done that stupid splitting thing. Further proof of my incapacity to deal. My incapacity to GET REAL.
I SUCK.
Bye.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
I'm of Two Minds
That's a good description of me.
There's two different broad categories I'd say that I'm of two minds in: feelings (often conflicted, I feel often understandably), and opinions, thoughts, what I THINK.
People seem to be much more willing to understand and possibly accept that one could be of two minds emotionally about something, than they are of being of two minds about your own opinions, thoughts about anything and everything and everybody and anybody, and what you THINK that doesn't fit into those.
In fact, I daresay it has been my experience (but then I think WAIT, I suspect that people would not understand at all, and even think I'm indecisive and/or wishy-washy at the LEAST, but more likely a liar, strange/wierd/crazy, and all sorts of horrible things), or rather, I IMAGINE that it would be my experience, that letting it show that I think and BELIEVE two completely opposite things, two diametrically opposed thoughts/ideas/perceptions, two conflicting things that might not be complete opposites, but conflict greatly . . . that letting this show would end up with me being perceived as Bad. Capital B. That there would be a Bad reaction, Bad Judgements, Badness of Self perceived by the Other, that I would be accused of lying/being a liar on one or both positions/thoughts/beliefs that I conveyed/espoused/related . . . . .
Really, I suppose maybe I do some of those Bad things, Reactions, Judgements, to Myself . . . .
I suppose I could chalk some of it up to indecisiveness, because sometimes, when attempting to make a choice, I am paralyzed, mentally, from making logical or rational or any kind of thought that would make any kind of progress forward on the matter. Including on very trivial matters.
I do not think, though, I REALLY do not think, that all or even MOST of this problem could/can be attributed to that, though. I really do believe conflicting things at the same time, and this tears me apart.
Imagine if you will that I am one of those little people powered via a seesaw-action-like two-person handle railroad car thingies. That I AM this car. Each track is one of the two, pun intended, polar opposites that I am engaged with. I start to push and roll forward, but unbeknownst to me, the tracks diverge at about a half a degree each per yard or so. So for the first minute or two, things are okay, but then slowly . . . . a strain develops, and yet I push on, with more effort, as the friction increases. I keep going.
My purpose and destination and progress are not necessarily involved with the issues that the tracks represent, but they often can be and are, as well. When you are operating from a base of a point of view that rests on such conflicts, it causes problems.
I work harder and harder to keep going, and, if you will, imagine that the wheels of this train car are my legs and feet. I keep rolling along the track, but my feet are being pulled in slowly diverging directions; the effort required to continue acting in my world, and upon it, is being stressed and strained by the most often but not always subconscious process going on with the diverging train tracks. So, I start to slowly do the splits (ouch!). Stretching farther and farther to stay "afloat" (nothing like mixing metaphors! Why not, this is my analogy), eventually I reach a point of collapse, and I do. There are no longer enough resources to cope with what is expected of me, or (actually, any expectations placed on me at all tend to cause alot of distress, what kind of person does that make me? Ugh!) with what I am experiencing, or just with living and functioning in much of a manner at all.
Confused, yet? Perhaps I can elaborate on some of this in coming weeks, months. For the moment, I am kind of fatigued by this relation, and the focus (well, it wasn't extremely focused, but wasn't extremely "off-track" either (pun intended, hee hee!) is diverging from what I intend (as it frequently does). The focus also . . . mentally hurts. It gets to a point of mentally strain and then hurting, even, after awhile, often after a short while.
There's two different broad categories I'd say that I'm of two minds in: feelings (often conflicted, I feel often understandably), and opinions, thoughts, what I THINK.
People seem to be much more willing to understand and possibly accept that one could be of two minds emotionally about something, than they are of being of two minds about your own opinions, thoughts about anything and everything and everybody and anybody, and what you THINK that doesn't fit into those.
In fact, I daresay it has been my experience (but then I think WAIT, I suspect that people would not understand at all, and even think I'm indecisive and/or wishy-washy at the LEAST, but more likely a liar, strange/wierd/crazy, and all sorts of horrible things), or rather, I IMAGINE that it would be my experience, that letting it show that I think and BELIEVE two completely opposite things, two diametrically opposed thoughts/ideas/perceptions, two conflicting things that might not be complete opposites, but conflict greatly . . . that letting this show would end up with me being perceived as Bad. Capital B. That there would be a Bad reaction, Bad Judgements, Badness of Self perceived by the Other, that I would be accused of lying/being a liar on one or both positions/thoughts/beliefs that I conveyed/espoused/related . . . . .
Really, I suppose maybe I do some of those Bad things, Reactions, Judgements, to Myself . . . .
I suppose I could chalk some of it up to indecisiveness, because sometimes, when attempting to make a choice, I am paralyzed, mentally, from making logical or rational or any kind of thought that would make any kind of progress forward on the matter. Including on very trivial matters.
I do not think, though, I REALLY do not think, that all or even MOST of this problem could/can be attributed to that, though. I really do believe conflicting things at the same time, and this tears me apart.
Imagine if you will that I am one of those little people powered via a seesaw-action-like two-person handle railroad car thingies. That I AM this car. Each track is one of the two, pun intended, polar opposites that I am engaged with. I start to push and roll forward, but unbeknownst to me, the tracks diverge at about a half a degree each per yard or so. So for the first minute or two, things are okay, but then slowly . . . . a strain develops, and yet I push on, with more effort, as the friction increases. I keep going.
My purpose and destination and progress are not necessarily involved with the issues that the tracks represent, but they often can be and are, as well. When you are operating from a base of a point of view that rests on such conflicts, it causes problems.
I work harder and harder to keep going, and, if you will, imagine that the wheels of this train car are my legs and feet. I keep rolling along the track, but my feet are being pulled in slowly diverging directions; the effort required to continue acting in my world, and upon it, is being stressed and strained by the most often but not always subconscious process going on with the diverging train tracks. So, I start to slowly do the splits (ouch!). Stretching farther and farther to stay "afloat" (nothing like mixing metaphors! Why not, this is my analogy), eventually I reach a point of collapse, and I do. There are no longer enough resources to cope with what is expected of me, or (actually, any expectations placed on me at all tend to cause alot of distress, what kind of person does that make me? Ugh!) with what I am experiencing, or just with living and functioning in much of a manner at all.
Confused, yet? Perhaps I can elaborate on some of this in coming weeks, months. For the moment, I am kind of fatigued by this relation, and the focus (well, it wasn't extremely focused, but wasn't extremely "off-track" either (pun intended, hee hee!) is diverging from what I intend (as it frequently does). The focus also . . . mentally hurts. It gets to a point of mentally strain and then hurting, even, after awhile, often after a short while.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Relationship as Healing
Actor Crush of the Day: Ewan McGregor! Boy, I'm on a British kick, aren't I!
In the fourth paragraph down, at this link, was something that really resonated with me, and even brought up a sense of warmth and comfort, in the safety and knowledgeable protection that my ologist provides for me in therapy, and as the guardian of my real self (that last phrase is from a book he recommended I read, last December).
The text there regards therapy and relating to the psychotic patient, but there were aspects of what I found written there that I felt really described some of what I feel in this odd animal, this approximate relationship, that is the therapeutic relationship.
I've only read the first page, but I found it, although probably written for mental health professionals, to be written in a way that was very expressive and understandable, which is a treat, given all the jargon involved in this field.
Possibly I identified so closely with this paragraph because it refers to "her", and it seems like such a kindly written paragraph, with concern for the needs of the patient, the therapeutic partner. Not that the professional is undergoing therapy during the patient's therapy, but they/we are partners in the process . . . at least, I think so?
This whole area can feel rather complicated. I find it to be a really awesome thing, at times, well, even when I'm angry and scared, because so far that hasn't driven him off . . . and that amazes me; not surprising for one who feels she hasn't found herself to be acceptable/accepted by others for who she is, flaws and all, without a diagnosis to "explain" her/me. (Please don't think I mean to hurt any family by saying that, but I feel I must bring up, in passing, mention of things from my experience that are applicable to the subject(s) I am discussing.)
My husband being an exception to that. Mitigating factors also being that it must be difficult for people to deal with/interact with issues of mental illness, and someone who is, while not knowing how to or what to make of me, it, things, and whatnot.
I am loved, though, even if I have trouble feeling reception of that. Like I'm a radio or TV set with antennae far out of whack, or something. And, at times, I feel I am . . . . interacted with as though I am that annoying, middle of the night, colored-bar off-air graphic with the decidedly unpleasant tone forcing itself upon you. That, though, is my problem; I need to work on my perceptions and stuff. If others need to work on theirs (from my point of view) that's their problem, and not mine, although since I'm receiving the result of their perceptions in however we interact, I suppose that's kinda . . . messy.
Well, THAT drifted off the subject, but then I've been mixed/euphoric/giddy tonight. The refrain, "Everything is Beauuuuu-tifullll . . . in it's own way-ay-ay . .", is going through my head right now.
I think I'd better close before I ramble on to twenty billion other subjects.
In the fourth paragraph down, at this link, was something that really resonated with me, and even brought up a sense of warmth and comfort, in the safety and knowledgeable protection that my ologist provides for me in therapy, and as the guardian of my real self (that last phrase is from a book he recommended I read, last December).
Speaking in very general terms, the intention of such therapy is to honor what the other person experiences with a readiness to receive her whole being, to relate to all that is in her, and thus to share in her psychic life and be in it with her during this critical period of growth. This entails attitudes of regard, respect, interest, concern, and partnership in the developmental process, with a full range of emotional experiences. Thus, as Jung has put it, psychotherapy consists of two whole psychic systems interacting in depth, in which action each is deeply affected by the other. - John Weir Perry ~ Trials of the Visionary Mind
The text there regards therapy and relating to the psychotic patient, but there were aspects of what I found written there that I felt really described some of what I feel in this odd animal, this approximate relationship, that is the therapeutic relationship.
I've only read the first page, but I found it, although probably written for mental health professionals, to be written in a way that was very expressive and understandable, which is a treat, given all the jargon involved in this field.
Possibly I identified so closely with this paragraph because it refers to "her", and it seems like such a kindly written paragraph, with concern for the needs of the patient, the therapeutic partner. Not that the professional is undergoing therapy during the patient's therapy, but they/we are partners in the process . . . at least, I think so?
This whole area can feel rather complicated. I find it to be a really awesome thing, at times, well, even when I'm angry and scared, because so far that hasn't driven him off . . . and that amazes me; not surprising for one who feels she hasn't found herself to be acceptable/accepted by others for who she is, flaws and all, without a diagnosis to "explain" her/me. (Please don't think I mean to hurt any family by saying that, but I feel I must bring up, in passing, mention of things from my experience that are applicable to the subject(s) I am discussing.)
My husband being an exception to that. Mitigating factors also being that it must be difficult for people to deal with/interact with issues of mental illness, and someone who is, while not knowing how to or what to make of me, it, things, and whatnot.
I am loved, though, even if I have trouble feeling reception of that. Like I'm a radio or TV set with antennae far out of whack, or something. And, at times, I feel I am . . . . interacted with as though I am that annoying, middle of the night, colored-bar off-air graphic with the decidedly unpleasant tone forcing itself upon you. That, though, is my problem; I need to work on my perceptions and stuff. If others need to work on theirs (from my point of view) that's their problem, and not mine, although since I'm receiving the result of their perceptions in however we interact, I suppose that's kinda . . . messy.
Well, THAT drifted off the subject, but then I've been mixed/euphoric/giddy tonight. The refrain, "Everything is Beauuuuu-tifullll . . . in it's own way-ay-ay . .", is going through my head right now.
I think I'd better close before I ramble on to twenty billion other subjects.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
All In The Mind Psych Carnival
I'm a participant in this new Psych Carnival of blogs!
Take a peek. Here's a direct link to the post I submitted that is featured this time around.
Feel free to comment there, although they won't show up under recent comments because that only pulls from non-archived posts.
Take a peek. Here's a direct link to the post I submitted that is featured this time around.
Feel free to comment there, although they won't show up under recent comments because that only pulls from non-archived posts.
Therapeutic Relationship Issues This Week
Actor Crush of the Day: Sawyer, on Lost
Well, so I was freaking out yesterday, well, Tuesday and all night and into Wednesday (so it all merged into one VERY long day for me) about an interaction at the beginning of therapy on Tuesday, and one at the end. It pretty much made it as though nothing was said inbetween, because I was so stunned by his cavalier treatment of me and what I was saying.
Now, I do not expect him to be perfect; he is human. So I understand this. Still, it was jarring to say the least to get such a . . . . what the hell kind of a wierdo would say something like THAT - reaction from him. Something between an unpleasant chuckle and a derisive snort, as well as a . . . . that was such a socially unacceptable thing to say, look on his face, accompanying his reaction to the first problematic interaction.
So that's when I took a dig at him. I was rather put off by the whole thing, and very hurt. Then again, perhaps I kinda caught him before he had his "psychologist" mantle completely in place, and he reacted more like a person in a social conversation, than a mental health professional. Than MY mental health professional. It's scary, though, to see and feel emotion coming from him, which is probably why he seems to keep it so much in check as part of the psychologist thing; part of the therapeutic relationship.
That's not to say he doesn't show emotion as part of our interactions, but I think, at least when he's conscious of it, he uses it carefully and in ways and in response to things that helps me to feel encouraged, supported, that I'm talking to a PERSON and not just a cold professional face, that helps me feel that, odd and unique though the therapeutic relationship is, that it is a valid and real thing (well, not a "real world" thing, ie, he's not a part of my social/family/community life), that it is a way of interpersonally connecting, of creating, sustaining, and reinforcing that mutual human bond of essentially emotional beings.
Hmm. Interesting stuff, it's helpful to kinda write things out like this; it helps me coalesce my thoughts and feelings on things. I do tend to have HUGE problems with feeling connected with people, emotionally. With feeling that there is sincere and real depth and emotion and a humanness to any particular relationship. Perhaps the preceding paragraph was my attempt to break THROUGH this problem at the moment, so I would feel more connected with the the innumerable kindnesses he has shown me, so that I could feel some kind of reassurance inside that I don't have to be terrified of next week's appointment. To reinforce that we really do have a working relationship, an intimacy that is real and necessary for my therapy and well-being.
I am worried now that my family, my mom especially, will think that I just said something inappropriate with that word, intimacy . . . . Intimacy is much more than that between a husband and wife, or that between close friends. When you open up so much of yourself to someone, and they also do everything they can to build and foster and nurture a trust and a companiable, amiable partnership within the bounds of therapy, when they encourage and support when appropriate, and confront you with the facts that might be scary, but they do so in a way that is confident of your efficacy to endure and explore . . . . there is a REAL intimacy there.
Dangit, I just did it again. I think the above paragraph may be, yet ANOTHER attempt on my part, to tell myself it's okay; that there is something REAL there and not just a fake, forced, it's his JOB and he's PAID to talk and listen to me, kind of thing. That he is genuinely glad to see me when I arrive for my appointments, and that he really does like listening to me and helping me and stuff; that I'm not this annoying person I believe myself to the depths of my soul to be; not just annoying, but unacceptably, horrifically, inappropriate, to a degree that is annoying and irritating to the very world around me, as well as all its inhabitants.
I guess I tend to, well I KNOW I do, this all-or-nothing thing. That is one of my HUGEST things, out of all the distortions Dr. Burns lists in Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, or whatever that's called. I SO do this ALL the time; wait, there I go again, with another one . . . . hee hee hee! That's actually kind of funny . . . okay, so it's a TENDENCY of mine, and not a constant. There; that works better. And so, a few problematic interactions, at least for my part, in a therapy session, does not mean the end of the world (relationship).
And there I go again, feeling GUILTY about using the word RELATIONSHIP, to describe my ongoing interactions with my ologist. Guess there's some fodder for next time . . . .
I feel better already; this writing thing works (I need to do more of it, especially in my diary software; I get far too impatient with how slow handwriting is; as well, I need to do some THERE and not just here, but if all I do is the blog at least that's something . . .)
DAGNABBIT! There I go, explaining and justifying again . . . .
Well, if you're still here, thanks for reading through my post today.
Well, so I was freaking out yesterday, well, Tuesday and all night and into Wednesday (so it all merged into one VERY long day for me) about an interaction at the beginning of therapy on Tuesday, and one at the end. It pretty much made it as though nothing was said inbetween, because I was so stunned by his cavalier treatment of me and what I was saying.
Now, I do not expect him to be perfect; he is human. So I understand this. Still, it was jarring to say the least to get such a . . . . what the hell kind of a wierdo would say something like THAT - reaction from him. Something between an unpleasant chuckle and a derisive snort, as well as a . . . . that was such a socially unacceptable thing to say, look on his face, accompanying his reaction to the first problematic interaction.
So that's when I took a dig at him. I was rather put off by the whole thing, and very hurt. Then again, perhaps I kinda caught him before he had his "psychologist" mantle completely in place, and he reacted more like a person in a social conversation, than a mental health professional. Than MY mental health professional. It's scary, though, to see and feel emotion coming from him, which is probably why he seems to keep it so much in check as part of the psychologist thing; part of the therapeutic relationship.
That's not to say he doesn't show emotion as part of our interactions, but I think, at least when he's conscious of it, he uses it carefully and in ways and in response to things that helps me to feel encouraged, supported, that I'm talking to a PERSON and not just a cold professional face, that helps me feel that, odd and unique though the therapeutic relationship is, that it is a valid and real thing (well, not a "real world" thing, ie, he's not a part of my social/family/community life), that it is a way of interpersonally connecting, of creating, sustaining, and reinforcing that mutual human bond of essentially emotional beings.
Hmm. Interesting stuff, it's helpful to kinda write things out like this; it helps me coalesce my thoughts and feelings on things. I do tend to have HUGE problems with feeling connected with people, emotionally. With feeling that there is sincere and real depth and emotion and a humanness to any particular relationship. Perhaps the preceding paragraph was my attempt to break THROUGH this problem at the moment, so I would feel more connected with the the innumerable kindnesses he has shown me, so that I could feel some kind of reassurance inside that I don't have to be terrified of next week's appointment. To reinforce that we really do have a working relationship, an intimacy that is real and necessary for my therapy and well-being.
I am worried now that my family, my mom especially, will think that I just said something inappropriate with that word, intimacy . . . . Intimacy is much more than that between a husband and wife, or that between close friends. When you open up so much of yourself to someone, and they also do everything they can to build and foster and nurture a trust and a companiable, amiable partnership within the bounds of therapy, when they encourage and support when appropriate, and confront you with the facts that might be scary, but they do so in a way that is confident of your efficacy to endure and explore . . . . there is a REAL intimacy there.
Dangit, I just did it again. I think the above paragraph may be, yet ANOTHER attempt on my part, to tell myself it's okay; that there is something REAL there and not just a fake, forced, it's his JOB and he's PAID to talk and listen to me, kind of thing. That he is genuinely glad to see me when I arrive for my appointments, and that he really does like listening to me and helping me and stuff; that I'm not this annoying person I believe myself to the depths of my soul to be; not just annoying, but unacceptably, horrifically, inappropriate, to a degree that is annoying and irritating to the very world around me, as well as all its inhabitants.
I guess I tend to, well I KNOW I do, this all-or-nothing thing. That is one of my HUGEST things, out of all the distortions Dr. Burns lists in Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, or whatever that's called. I SO do this ALL the time; wait, there I go again, with another one . . . . hee hee hee! That's actually kind of funny . . . okay, so it's a TENDENCY of mine, and not a constant. There; that works better. And so, a few problematic interactions, at least for my part, in a therapy session, does not mean the end of the world (relationship).
And there I go again, feeling GUILTY about using the word RELATIONSHIP, to describe my ongoing interactions with my ologist. Guess there's some fodder for next time . . . .
I feel better already; this writing thing works (I need to do more of it, especially in my diary software; I get far too impatient with how slow handwriting is; as well, I need to do some THERE and not just here, but if all I do is the blog at least that's something . . .)
DAGNABBIT! There I go, explaining and justifying again . . . .
Well, if you're still here, thanks for reading through my post today.
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