Actor Crush of the Day: Matthew Fox, AGAIN. He's REALLY handsome.
Check out this blog by a man named James. His descriptions of depression and how it fubars your life, how it interferes with so much, are spot on. Even if it was different from how I feel it can be, it'd still be HIS experience.
There is some strong language though, here and there. He also feels a strong push inside to advocate for mental illness issues, and for the mentally ill. To also help reduce the stigma, in part by posting about his experiences. I am all for this, myself, too.
27 comments:
Sara,
I am so flatterd...I mean WOW...thanks for mentioning my site. I have gotten some good feedback from people and it gives me hope. It also makes me feel alive and a part of this world as depression is so isolating.
I apologize about the strong language in my blog...I just went back and read them for the first time...I am tempted to go back and edit it so as not to offend anyone...that is the last thing I want to do...it is just that when I started this blog (Dec 30) I was at such a low point and was dealing with a lot of emotions...anger being one...so I hope that explains the language...again...my intentions are pure and I apologize once again.
I am really passionate about this cause and want reach and help as many people as I can...and I want to tell you you have given me great hope. It looks like you have been at this a little longer than I have so if you have any pointers or advice...thanks again for the feedback.
-James
I wouldn't go back and edit; I'd leave it how you were feeling at the time. It's up to you if you want to edit most or all of them out as you type in the future.
I like to cartoon swear, ala @#$@# and @#$@#$ing @#$@#. Although the occasionall damn or hell or even @$$ has been known to slip out, once in a while. Especially when really TORQUED.
I'm still kinda figuring it out as I go, but yeah I've been doing this since August.
I'm going to add that Healthy Place link to my sidebar; I'm glad you posted about that, it looks like a good resource.
I checked out the blog. He really gives the perspective of how a person can get to the point where depression is their identity. I was not able to post there as that would require signing up for a formal blog. But I will definately read in the future. James, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I think that your message is an important one. Like you, I believe that everyone has a story. I will look forward to getting to know you better as I read your blog.
Barb,
Thanks for the encouraging words...they really mean a lot. Also, thanks for letting me know about the anonymous posting thing...apparently it is a setting I have to select...so I have done so...I encourage and look forward to your comments. So, do you have a blogsite that I can check-out?
-James
Sara,
I have tried linking your site to my sidebar without any success...this linking thing is new to me...I thought I followed the directions offered by Blogger...is there a trick to this?
-James
You need to go into your blog template, scroll down until you see the code that is for the sidebar, and insert my web address where it has the generic links it shows in your sidebar. And then, for the text that will BE the hyperlink, type Piebolar blog or something.
That is a very BRIEF explanation, and if you don't know HTML, it is quite possibly confusing. I didn't know HTML either, but I puttered around the template until I kind of figured out how to do the links.
James, I had an online journal on one site that seems to have folded up at my last checking. I keep another online journal but all but a couple of my enteries are private. I have never had an official blog such as Sarebears and yours. I have this thing with expectations. If I were to have such a formal blog, people might expect too much from me. As you may surmise, I am not much of a risk taker. I admire those who can engage in such discourse. Therefore, I do guest blogs on Sarebear's site lol.
I will be reading your blog with alacrity, James! I want you to know that I do not put a timetable on your getting well. It is a source of pain to me that I have had ocd for over a decade. When I first started therapy, people spoke in such a motivating and loving tone about how people through therapy and drugs do get over it. It makes me feel like a failure in that I still live a rather marginal existance as I am too afraid to go places as a general rule. Yet, like you, having the internet has opened up a wide world to me. I find that as I get close to and care for people here that my heart is softened and that I have more perspective. You can do much to open eyes. Realize though that there will always be some that will have trouble getting past their biases. They may be very good people, but as descriptive as you are, they may not be able to put themselves in your shoes. Your ability to articulate will help those who have suffered as you have and yet have not been able to give such a voice to their feelings. I belief that everybody feels the same feelings in this world. Susets can move us,or a work of art. Of course, we can be individual in what moves each of us. There are some who are able to use the symbols of their native tongue in such a way to help others see what they see while others hold these things in their heart but may be slow or inadequate with the words. You and Sarebear are gift in being able to really convey your feelings well. I may come to this spot once in a while to make a comment about your blog. I know I could just sign up for a blog and not actually blog on it. I am a bit idiosyncric about such things. Even if I do not have interesting to say, I will be reading with interest.
James, I just read your newest post about isolation. I can relate. I do have one very close friend who was my friend before my downward spiral and continues to be my friend. I try to limit my "talking out of my head" talk. I used to seek a lot of reassarance from here and others that what I feared was not real. Now, I usually limit those I annoy with my fears to my parents. I have been hurt too many times to share too much. I do count myself blessed to have people at work who do enjoy seeing me. I send emails to a lady at work that I really click with. She is probably around my mom's age, but has such a unique take on things as she has a vivid imagionation and an artist's power of observation. I do not often have a meaninful conversation at work with my co-workers. I do value those times when we can just wrap. Keep up the good word!
James, my heart goes out to you with your major hurdle of going to the grocerty store. I have trouble going to grocery stores because of my ocd. It has nothing to do with my self-esteem in the sense that you speak of though it is tied into my belief system with ocd. I have had times in my life where I have been painfully shy and felt rather conspicous in public though. I am so sorry though that your self-esteem has gotten to this point. Imagine going to the store and meeting people who would find you to be the neat and interesting person that I have found on your blog. You have a lot to offer the world. I understand feeling a need for seclusion and respect your need to cope by not going places as long as you need to do so.
Barb,
Thanks for keeping the dialogue going. Usually when I get these low depressions it is usually for a shorter period of time...this one is proving to be rather difficult though. It has gone on way too long and is getting way too dark. Part of me just wants to let this thing take me the hell where ever it is going and another part of me, be it a very small part of me, thinks I can get back to the level of being content if not happy.
I appreciate the people I have met online, including you, because it helps to "talk" about it and feel like someone cares.
-James
James, as broken as I have felt at times, I feel so much better now. At one time, I was so full of despair myself from depression and ocd. While I do not have my old life back, I have learned to ponder things that I may never have thought of before. In my dark times, I heard a talk with the quote "hang fast to hope." That was something that I would repeat myself even when it was hard to believe that there was a thread of hope. The pain abates and the sun comes out again. I cannot tell you when. It will.
James and Sara, I thought I would share somethng that helps me. In the course of my seeking help from friends and professionals for my ocd, I have seen the contrasts between the bitter and the sweet. I try to remind myself that without the bitter and sometimes hurtful remarks whether it is intensional or not is what makes the sweet remarks so extrodinary. Without the bitter, the sweet would not seem so timely, empathetic, or insightful. Some who have been the kindness have had mental illness in some form. One lady who was so concerned whether I would get the help that I need had suffered from severe depression and other mental problems. I remember the first therapist I went to who confirmed my ocd diagnosis. I have often hoped to emulate her kind countenance to another in such need. She had such away of wrinkling her forward and looking me straight in the eyes with such compassion. With a sincere tone, she said that they were not able to treat me there at the Campus Counseling, but gave me hope that with the right treatment that I could be well.
I wanted to talk about a book that I skimmed while I was at a library one fine day. I am terrible about returning library books, which is ocd related so I did not check it out. I think that the book had the word shadow in the title. It spoke of shadow syndromes. The author contemplated this subject when after thinking that she was having marital problems, she was diagnosed with mild depression. She said that people would generally not miss the symptoms that marked major depression of not wanting to get out of bed. I am not sure if she mentioned other symptoms such as crying episodes of feelings of guilt of hopelessness. Her point was that a lot of people may have minor syndromes that are undiagnosed and they do not seek the help that they need. She said this could be true of autistic people too. She said that she met someone who I think was an Engineer professor who said that he discovered that he was autistic when he learned that he was not able to read body language like other people. I imagine that may be debated as to whether he really is autistic. Yet, it does give me pause for thought.
Sara and James, I choose to read your blogs because I like the way that you think. You are both very likeable and very interesting. That is the basis for any blog that I read. It may seem that I seek out people who have mental illness but that is actually very far from the truth. I read a variety of blogs and yours are the only two that I read on an ongoing basis of people dealing with mental illness. I pick friends who I find to be open-minded and interesting. I like analytical people. I know that often you both feel that things are out of your control. However, with what you have in your control, I think that you both do much good. I learn from both of you. I wish that you both would not be so quick to label yourselves and identify with your mental illness. You both have a mental illness, but you are so remarkable. Your both have so much potential that I believe in some measure has already been realized. However, I think you are both at the tip of the iceburg of who you can become. I wish I could convince both of you of your inherent worth. I will not apologize if this is a little mushy. It comes from the heart. :)
Wow, Barb.
That really means alot to me.
I hope you know that I really value you and the comments and time and attention and concern you give me, my thoughts, ramblings, writings, blog, etc.
You are a very sincere, kind, thoughtful, analytical, intelligent, helpful, spiritual woman, and I appreciate our friendship so much.
Your "guest posting/blogging" here is perfectly fine with me! I always look forward to what you have to say, and I love the things you say, the events you relate, that something I said may have brought that to your mind.
Thank you so much for your warmth, expressiveniss, kindness, concern, and friendship.
I really like you, and although this may be mushy, I won't apologize either. My heart is speaking to you as well. 8^P
And thank you, James, as well, although I do not know you as I do Barb.
Sara, thank you so much for your kinds words. :)
I went to the link about perfectionism. Before going to it, I was thinking that perfectionism was so different from what I have although I had seen segments on it before. Watching her in torment, I realize that it is much like me in many ways. Although I seldom have any moments that are completely anxiety free, I am glad that I am able to function more than she is at this time. I guess that I had perfectionsim with my grades, but no to that degree. I do not feel that I know how to clean right and really admire people who have an eye for it. Since having ocd though, I see things that I never saw before everywhere I go that bother me and sometimes haunt me as it seems like a potentional danger. Things I probably would have never noticed. I wish that I could clean a room spic and span though as I never had the knack. Of course, I have explained the way that I was taught to clean was by having someone scream in my face so that may effect me. I think that I have huge attention problems. Maybe a little Ritilin would do the trick. I do not think I would ever be such a neat person to worry about a pencil being out of place. It is just not my nature. I was not a particuarly neat child. I think that I have some right brain impairment.
James, you know I have read a lot of your blogs and could tell that you were in a bad way. It has never registered just how dark things are for you until todays blog. How I wish I could help you out of that dark place. Please stay safe and warm.
James, I updated my mom on your recent blog and she is very worried about you. Her face became very sullen when thinking of you. I had introduced her to your blog previously by reading her the post on hygeine. It really made her think. She wanted me to tell you about my grandpa who was a farmer. She asked him one time what his favorite season was and he said Spring because there is no life and hope. She said that with Spring you always have hope.
Barb,
I appreciate your concern and I apologize for worrying you and your mother. I really debated whether or not to hit the enter button when I wrote that post. It certainly wasn’t my intention to worry anyone or solicit any sympathy from posting it…rather I just thought I would lay it out there in all its brutal honesty as a form of therapy for myself and also to possibly to let anyone else who is at that low level know that they are not alone. I am not really sure where this story is going to end…I really would like to be able to turn this around and for it to have a happy ending…
I also wanted to say that I do appreciate our “conversations” and your words of encouragement.
Thank again,
James
James, my mom and I are concerned about an intelligent young man to be in such depression. My mother had a trainer at work who was at medical school, but for some reason was not the choice for them. They are now an excellent trainer and I am sure will go further in the company. (All of the preceding is my mom's words as I am typing). By the way, I meant to say new life in Spring per my mom's quote. I want to tell you that I think that it is good that you are so honest. The world has had far too much sugar coating. Mental illness is serious. As I have quoted before on this blog, they treat mental illness like the flu or some ailment that you can get over with a little treatment when there are people with clinical depression who may need help througout their life. This is not to say that they cannot live a quality life, but they need to have the resources. Also, at times of severre depression, it is very disabling and they are unable to work. I am not sure if my new insurance policy is the same, but I know that my previous had a cap of life time visits that they would pay for and also a limit to how much you could be hospitalized. And if you had a substance abuse problem that would count the same towards your mental health benefits and could use all of your time. Knowing how much treatments such as cancer cost, it does not seem to make since to limit mental health. There may be other forms of assistance if your benefits run out, but I have not looked into this.
James, never censor anything that you feel will help others. I read the comment on your blog by the person who went to a link that you gave on an Oprah site.
The corporation that I work for is always harping about how if they treat us well that we will treat our customers well. And there is truth to this as often their model of supervisor to employee relationship seems to be one of cheerleading. However, in ways that cause me much duress, I believe there is lip service. I am very passive in wanting to speak up about my ocd problems. If I were to say everything that cause me problems, the list would be far to long for them to accomodate me. Remind me why I leave the house? At any rate, there was something that I addressed in training about how time clocks make me very nervous. While they said that I could have my own position if I had a doctor's note, they said that this would be out of the question. I have had so much emotional pain due to using the time clock and also in regards to badges. These problems do not always leave when I pass the threshold to go home. Their reply was that it would be too much for them to have to enter my data manually all the time and that those who do it would be mad. On any given day, there are often people who forget their badge and they have to do do their time clock. On another occassion, I was given counsel from my supervisor about clocking in and out for nonpaid breaks, I tried to explain myself and in a calloused way she pretty much said just do it. I told another supervisor about my phobia in a way that was more descript than any other and while she seemed more sypathetic nothing was done. Although in a way, they seem to compromise by not hounding me about punching in and out for breaks. I just learned that they are doing away with the time clocks. Such ecstacy! I think that I will be a better employee and have better man time because there will be less rituals for me as punching in often requires more to me than just punching in to speak vaguely. There have even been times when I took unauthorized breaks to look at the time clock. In addition, my company lets people have additional man time exemption if they have a doctors notice. However, you have to take you time off the clock at the same time each hour. They act as if your problems follow a schedule. I am not sure if this is true for all conditions but I had a friend with mental health issues who said that it was so for her. I mean if someone is diabetic, you really have no control over when your blood sugar will plummet. Also, we can get very irate customers and that may be the time when you need the extra time for mental health. I have never gone to the work to have a man time exemption as by some miracle, I have been able to be within the required company time. I count myself blessed that I have been able to hold a job. Mental illness is very humbling and also I can be slow in ways when it comes to learning tasks although my thorough way of learning details can sometimes mean that I have a greater understanding on certain issues than even the trainers or supervisors. That does not mean that I do not often suffer from information overload. I would hope that my company does not really understand how much they make me suffer. Then again, that seems to be the model with getting over ocd that you have to do immersion therapy and confront what you suffer. It isn't working though with time clocks. Although I do not have episodes all the time, I have been using a time clock here and at a previous company during the same phobia stage. This adds up to 10 years and I still have the phobia. My philosphy is that if I can be given treatment in small areas that greatly improve my mental state while still functioning as well as possible in the other areas that I should be given such a consideration. And I do not think that other people should have the right to decide how I should suffer. I know that I agree to a certain amount of suffering by going to work yet I think that reasonable accomodations can and should be made not to cause uneccessary suffering where it does not pertain to required job detail. Well, this is my point of view, and I may be wrong.
Barb and your Mom,
I agree, severe depression is disabling...I actually left my job (which I hated and the end of December)...I just did not have the energy to drag myself into work for a job that I absolutely hated and then being stuck at a desk on a phone long day...it is enough to drive a sane person crazy! So, I have been pretty much in my apartment for a month now...although I am pushing for a big change in the next few weeks...I'll keep you posted.
Regarding your OCD...I too know how difficult it can be and the anxiety that it can produce...somehow/someway/somebody/something needs to be done to educate employers, government and society about the disabling affects of depression, OCD and other forms of mental illnesses...I really believe it is going to take a grass roots effort to get things started...I mean we have breast cancer awarness and Lance Armstorng has his Live Strong Campaign...I think we really need a successful Mental Awareness Campaign. I have some ideas for this with depression being my initial cause and then growing it from there. Anyways, I am rambling. Take Care.
-James
James,
Thank you for your understanding of my situation. When I first got a computer almost two years ago, this was going to be a haven for me where I felt that I would not broach the subject of ocd. I was given this computer for free from my sister's in-laws after wanting one for years. I would only use it for noble purposes. Also, it was a place where I could relate to people without them seeing me an my mannerisms or behaviors that relate to ocd. I could be normal and felt that it would be so good to be respected. I have opened up on a couple of forums here and there about my ocd. I have been very open here at Pie Bolar's blog. I am glad for the chance to help people understand a little more what it is like. Also, I hardly talk to anybody other than my own parents about my fears with ocd. Even with them, I do not like to vent about the pain involved. I more or less use them as a source to relieve my guilt as they tell me not to worry about certain things. As you can imagine with ocd, I tend to ask them same things over and over and over with maybe a little different spin here and there. My problems are always with me, but often I cope so remarkably well that I have a great sense of well-being. That was not always the case. It is very emotional for me to go into all the details of the despair that I felt in the earliest stages when it took over my life. I do not have the emotional energy at the moment. Thank you for listening!
I wanted to add that I have come to realize that educating people and helping to remove the stigma relating to mental illness is a noble cause. I am going to listen to the link now with the public service announcemnt about men and depression. I had somebody send me an article that he wrote as his personal experiences as a man who has suffered from depression. Depression is a real illness and requires real treatment. Uneducated people may make comments such as just suck it up. That attitude does so much harm and keeps people from seeking help. I go now to the link.
I went to the link. Powerful!
James, I see that you are keeping it very real at your blog. Keep posting!
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