Actor Crush of the Day: I am my own woman, today. Not that I am not on other days. But send all the cute men packing, I am woman, hear me ROAR.
As I was watching Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith today, as it approached the climactic Mustafar sequences, I felt a satisfaction and a matching to the intensity of what I feel, as the intensity of the movie built to this.
I could watch the scenes there over and over (at least, before Anakin makes his big mistake), especially the two men, and the intensity of their relationship and the drama that unfolds between them.
I often listen to John Denver, Barry Manilow, Celine Dion, Josh Groban, and other people who really belt it out, when it calls for it (singers nowadays don't seem to, much). It matches the strength of what I'm feeling inside; it's like my pain, and everything I'm feeling, gets caught up in the intensity of the song, drama, what-have-you, and gets carried away. To a certain extent.
It's very satisfying, but as I identified this issue tonight, at least in a much more specific way than I have before, I also identified my strong need for intensity. This may be part of the bipolar recklessness; I am not sure. But I NEED it like I need to be loved. And, when I am experiencing a satisfying intensity, whether through media, or exuberant joy at the thought of beads I've purchased winging their way towards me through the mail, or other things, I'm zeroed in on the strength of it, the encompassing fulness of it, and am as a mule who can't be budged, it seems.
I seem to be running out of ways to experience such intensity, though, and to fight the urges within to act . . . in a manner that many might find shocking, is . . . well, part of my struggles, I guess. I HATE THIS.
For those who remember some LDS Primary songs, sing THIS to the tune of "Geaneology, I am doing it".
Irresponsibility, I am doing it, my irresponsibility,
And I can't restrain, though I really try, this inevitable refrain
Irresponsible, Irresponsible, I am so irresponsible
I am trying but it's trying, my irresponsible!
I don't know if I've remembered the meter right, to that song.
Calgon, TAKE me away. Oy, that's an old commercial . . . .
4 comments:
Wow, I hadn't really thought about that aspect of my favorite music before, but you're right, most of it does have that intensity, and my singing along is typically quite a cathartic experience.
I'll add an even worse metered line or two to your irresponsible song (which caused me to giggle and sigh knowingly)
friends and family here and the ones who've died know my irresponsibility how we all pray that it won't last through all eternity!
Very funny! Thanks for joining in.
Yes, it's very cathartic for me too. It might be as well for non-bipolar people, but I think, at least in my experience, it meets a need for intensity that I mention above.
It sounds like we have the same taste in music although I always though I liked some of those artists as they were mellow. I do love the passion that they all sing with though. I do not really seek intensity. In fact, I sometimes have to turn a channel if there is too much conflict between characters. I am not into suspense movies much either. Movies that I like to watch over and over include the musical version of Oliver Twist, Meet Me In St. Louis, National Velvet(hope I got that right--stars Elizabeth Taylor as a child actress.
I do not know that primary song. I liked the words though and can put together a tune in my head that would sound pretty good with it. :)
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