Faith Vs. Reckless Optimism Vs. Refusal to Deal With Reality

How does one know that holding tight to faith, in a situation where EVERYTHING says there is no hope, or at least it seems that way, how does one know that it isn't just the same old reckless enthusiasm/optimism?

That it isn't just a refusal and/or inability to deal with the harsh reality of a situation?

That it isn't unrealistic; that you aren't fooling yourself, pulling the wool over your own eyes, burying your head in the sand?

Holding on to faith, because the alternative is something you can't cope with . . . . does this imply that your faith is just a way to avoid accepting reality, that you are hiding, running away from deep pain, as you always have, your entire life? Am I the horse with blinders on, refusing to acknowledge and accept the realities of the situation, refusing to acknowledge their existence, and so becoming the fool who mayhap still be calling Noah a fool whilst standing neck-deep in the torrential rains?

Could it just be also, your illness swaying you towards the unrealistic expectations and hope that it often does? Could it be the intense and desperate need I feel inside, the very little girlish magical wish to be taken care of, that causes me to feel that I can just set aside the implications and ramifications of the situation, and just hold on to faith?

How do I KNOW? That it isn't just me, SCREWING UP all over again?

I prayed last night, and believe the answer to be, "Trust the Lord with all thy heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." This spoke to my inside self very quietly. Nothing overwhelming, and no wash of peace, at least nothing like anything I've received before. There was a sense that holding onto THIS would help keep me from drowning in the storm of emotion. Keep me from being swept away, forever. And, we are asked to do this in the scriptures, anyhow.

Still, I recognize that cognitively, I may be clinging to this because I CANNOT CONTEMPLATE the alternative.

I do not know, though, if my illnesses and difficulties feeling what the reality of the situation should be or is, feeling through my skewed perceptions, I do not know if they are skewing even this. As, I have blindly forged ahead before, and not dealt with situations that mayhap should have been dealt with.

What I DO know, though, is I must hold tight to this trust in the Lord. I MUST. Mine own understanding is so skewed, is so mired in various issues and so many things that sway everything, that I cannot trust it. I CANNOT TRUST IT. And so, I am trusting the Lord.

He knows my situation, of mental illnesses. He knows my capacities and my weaknesses . . . . as much as I feel like my judgment in matters of discerning appropriate actions, discerning and deciding appropriate attitudes and ways of coping or not, He knows these things, and will take them into account. At least, I have faith that He will do so, because that is all I can believe, in order to proceed . . . I cannot proceed with anything less than that belief . . .

Am I an ostrich with my head in the sand? Perhaps. But I trust that the Lord will divert traffic around me, so I won't get hit in the rear as I investigate closely the sandpile in which my head is finding rest. I am finding rest in the Lord. I am trusting him to be my rear guard. (Teehee! at least I can find some humor in this, somewhere . . . .)

As to whether or not I should be taking any action, or considering other aspects of the situation . . . of course my mind keeps whirling desperately on everything. But . . . I cannot, I just . . . I quail at the very trial that has been thrust upon us. I desperately RUN and fear and die inside, at the very facts of the situation I am in. I can't . . . . I just . . . I cannot . . . . approach the thing . . . . I . . . cannot think beyond half an hour, to half a day from now . . . . I am horrified . . . . and yet, I cling to my faith.

My faith, is all I have. And yet, I do not mean to put down my faith, with all this rambling. Faith is a GOOD thing. My faith is All. Right now, anyway.

Am I just clinging to faith as a last ditch option? If so, does this lessen any meaning in my choice of holding on to faith, in the Lord's eyes?

Even if I am not clinging to it as a last ditch option, does my holding to faith when there seems no other option but despair, also lessen any meaning in my choice of holding on to faith, in the Lord's eyes? Some might say this is the same as the previous option, but there IS a distinction . . . .

As well, I know I am CHOOSING faith; that I am not just "landing" there as a last option, as a last stop before falling, forever, into despair and non-existence. Even though there feels nothing left to do BUT have faith, in the way of holding on to something . . . . I am still choosing it.

I can feel this in my heart and soul, because it is taking much more strength to do this than I might have thought. It is taking so much of me, to do this, to choose this, to hold on to this. I am choosing faith, and this faith is holding me together as if it were a glue; keeping me from being scattered to the four winds of this storm.

Does there seeming to be no other positive option, LESSEN the offering to the Lord of my faith I am giving him, of my trust, is this lessened by there seeming to be no other positive option?

I do not know, but I know that, not as the world sees, does the Lord see. He sees in ways, that we cannot even comprehend. I have this sense that only He truly can know the value and truth of any offering of faith and trust. I only hope that my humble offering is judged worthy. And by worthy, I don't mean that there needs to be tangible reward or evidence of such. I just need to keep on . . . .

Moving forward with an action that, does not have ANYTHING to do with the situation, and yet, in itself, this action is profoundly affected by this situation, and, in fact, the world would probably think I am nuts for proceeding with said action . . . . but I feel a prompting to do so.

It has no bearing on the situation, and yet the situation has an extreme bearing on this action. I feel as though I am poised upon one of the red cliffs that edge Lake Powell in Southern Utah; I feel like holding my nose, squeezing my eyes shut tight, curling up into a ball as I jump off the cliff, and shout, "Geronimooooooooo-ooooooooo!", as I plunge downwards into the lake below.

I feel blind-folded, and being asked to feel my way forward within a room that is walled and floored with a fairly densely-packed field of nails. Oh, and that the inner balance most people have? Well, in this scenario it is as though my inner ear is completely off; I have no natural sense of balance, this representing the mental illnesses in this allegory. And so, I proceed . . . painfully, as one might imagine . . . and yet, if it is asked of me by the Lord, who am I to say no . . . . . I do not say no, but I wish so mightily that this cup would not be set at my place . . . . I think it is human of me to admit that I have much difficulty with this, that I don't even know how to approach it. But I do not say no, to the Lord. I do think, though, that He understands my struggle and expressions of fear (well, I do have GAD, after all, lol!)

9 Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

(Old Testament Joshua 1:9)

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36 Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.

(Book of Mormon Alma 37:36)

Faith, in its depths and infinite applications and requirements and qualities . . . . . is . . . . profound, and so much against logic and reason, in so many ways . . . . it is sweet, and precious, but the requirements of holding fast to it, can be so harsh, so unfathomably difficult . . . I do not say this in way of "Oh, woe is me", but in the manner of discussing these issues of faith and struggle and mental illness and to illustrate the processes I am going through. And, in some small measure, in trying to express to YOU what it is I am feeling, I feel . . . as though some small purpose may be served, and this, also, gives me some small thing to cling to. As though I am clutching a teddy bear, in this storm, and holding it close as I cling fast to faith, battered though I feel.

I even feel guilty for quailing at the thought, although I know He would understand my fear and distress. As long as I hold to my faith. Perhaps I should name this room full of nails, the valley of the shadow of death, because I am literally in that shadow . . . if I had not this faith, I would have nowhere to run but death itself.

Psalm 23
Psalm of David.
1 THE LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
(Old Testament Psalms 23:4)

I never thought about this Psalm as being all about faith, before. It's about many things, but faith is definitely one of them.

And so, in summation: If I am an ostrich, then I am a blessed ostrich, and I pray the Lord keep the sand out of my ears, and that he act as my rear guard.

Update: Like you want one, lol! I dunno, maybe I'm just being naive. Just because you stick your head in the sand, doesn't mean your butt isn't gonna get kicked. And, in fact, it makes you present an easier target for said butt-kicking. There's nothing particularly saintly or faithful about pulling the wool over ones' eyes and hiding.

So maybe I have nothing to hold onto after all.